Being who you are

I'm sorry but my crisis of yesterday is still going on. My mind is going, going, going with thoughts I can barely catch. But the purpose of this blog is to try and catch them so that if you catch your thoughts and they are similar to mine then hopefully you'll leave a comment and we can both take comfort in the fact that we're not alone in that thought.

I wish I could say what I think. I'd tell some people so many things I always want to say but never do. Not even necessarily things I'm annoyed about or mad about but just things I feel would probably help me a lot if I were totally honest, like I can be here. I'd tell my step siblings that I WISHED we could be closer. I have two step sisters and have wanted a larger family my entire life but we're not closer. I want to know what it's like to know that there are people in the world who have your back no matter what. Who care about you and you about them. You call them occasionally just to say hi or leave messages on Facebook (or myspace or wherever) to tell them your news even if it's small. I'd tell my Dad that I don't visit because when we fight I feel like I lose some part of me because it dies. When I was a kid I'd ALWAYS cry when I saw movies with Dad's in them because I missed my Dad so much and wanted him to want to be closer. Part of me thinks he did want that but he's no better than I am about saying things aloud because it's scary.

If I could be honest I'd admit to people that I don't want to have sex because I believe it is a very special thing to give someone such intimate access to yourself. I'm too afraid to as well but I also don't want it to become habit. It's special and I want it to remain that way. I feel more at home when I go to church (which I have been doing because I'm searching for something but I don't know what). I feel less 'freaky' there because the church is against random sex anyway so the pressure to have sex always feels less there. I'm bombarded with things I have no understanding of. For me sex and being drunk are as incomprehensible as aliens or quantum physics is to others. I've never done it and I don't understand it.

I wish I could say things aloud. But I don't because I'm afraid. Afraid people will leave because of it. Afraid they won't like the honest me. Afraid that I really am a freak and no one else thinks the same things ever. I'm tired of being afraid. It's easier usually to pretend like you don't care even if you do. It's easier to get mad at someone first so they don't get mad at you. I don't fall apart in public - ever. Being together and in control at all times always feels like a pre-requisite to get through school and work and Uni. Showing emotion isn't allowed unless it's when you are drunk but because I don't drink I don't have that relief from the pressure so I come home and fall apart in private.

If I could be honest I'd tell potential employers that I have never wanted to work in my entire life. I spend my entire day trying to understand people and don't feel like serving people drinks or selling them products will help me do that. I HATE not knowing something. It scares me to feel left out and as I write this I realise that in a lot of ways this entire world scares me. I'm praying at the moment because of two things. Firstly I really hope no one I know figures out that this is my blog and secondly because I hope someone comments on this. I'd love to know I'm not the only one who is scared. People don't admit to being scared much. Things like extreme sports or being a parent are Ok to admit to being scared and that's about it but what about everything else? What about putting your heart on the line to try and make new friends? What about being scared that you will disappoint or let down the people who have helped you?

I'm going to have a short gripe about TV now so bare with me. TV shows create an illusion that humans are invincible. People rarely show fear in TV shows except over being shot at or something happening to a family member. And then even when they do show that it's usually over within 10 minutes (or a day in TV time). I doubt that's the case. There is a reason why there are dozens of types of anti-depressants and thousands of counselors in the world. People don't just get over things so easily. My favourite shows are the sci-fi shows. They have people dealing with aliens, time-travel, being shot at, death and the end of the world on a daily basis. You don't see them having nightmares or having nervous breakdowns because it's too close to the truth of human behaviour. However I believe it creates an unrealistic illusion that we are unable to live up to. I should also mention that Books are just as bad - doing the exact same thing.

Now that I've had my gripe at TV and Books I'll stop before I really start to ramble. But I'm asking, as always, for people to comment. Anonymous comments are welcome of course and this way we as humans can be a little more open and feel a little less alone in our heads.

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Give me your thoughts - Do you feel afraid at things you don't feel anyone else is afraid of? Do you change yourself to please others? Do you wish you could be more honest about how you feel?

Quick Note: Apologies

Apologies - I just checked the settings for comments and realised it was not allowing anonymous comments. This has now been changed.

I am able to be honest because this is anonymous, I wish for you to be able to do the same thing. Therefore anonymous posting is now an option. Please do leave your comments.

True Friends

Today I'm having a crisis. I'm not someone who trust people very easily and so therefore I'm not exactly surrounded by a hundred friends and dozens of 'bosom buddies' (someone you can trust with anything). You remember me talking about Gossip Girl in a previous post? The scene where one of the characters has done something and is freaking out about it. Her friends drop everything to help her and when she does tell them they don't judge but support her completely. I'm SO jealous of that scene. I would do anything to have friends like that. People who are so totally there for you that no matter how bad you screw up you know that they will still support you.

I'm very lucky in some ways. I have a very supportive mother and am very thankful for that. That being said that a mother is different. Even one as supportive and understanding as mine cannot be there like a friend can. I crave friends I could trust with my life and to be honest (as is the point of this blogs anonymity) I don't remember the last time I trusted a friend that much.

I censor everything I do. My thoughts, my words, my actions, my habits, my dress. All done to try and become the person I think people want. I like to be seen as organised, punctual, a hard worker, generous etc etc... In reality I'm always late, I hate working, I'm usually flat broke, I'm the messiest person on the planet and I HATE Facebook. I threw that last one in for good measure because seeing as everyone else uses Facebook. I have to - but I hate it.

The reason why I'm having such a freak out is a guy I've known since high school, one I'd have classified as my best friend until about 4 hours ago, decided to bail on my birthday. Not a big deal for some except for 3 points. Firstly they bailed last year too (along with several other people which was plain humiliating!), secondly their reason is shoddy, and thirdly as someone who is not naturally a party/people person parties are a big deal for me. To invite someone is to risk rejection, something I'm not good at. To have my friend abandon me is extremely hurtful and I was not polite in my response.

So now what??? Do I give up? Am I just a person who isn't destined to have friends, just acquaintances? If I'm supposed to risk again then how do I do that? Finally how do I know I can trust someone the way I wish more than anything I could trust them? I don't have the answers but you might. I'd like to at least know I'm not the only one terrified of being alone forever (and I don't mean partner-wise). I'd like to know that others long for special friends just so I know that in this feeling at least I am not alone.

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Give me your thoughts - Do you long for 'soul-friends'? Are you afraid of not finding that (or of losing it)?

Life should be fun!

Today I've come from a class and have been watching the viral youtube clip 'Where the Hell is Matt?'. It's an incredible video which at first glance made me think 'why on earth are we watching this?' because our teacher showed it to us in class. However after about 60 seconds I found I had tears in my eyes. Of course being in class I didn't want to cry but I must confess that when I came home after class today and watched in the privacy of my own home I did cry. Not with laughter, although it is also funny in a way, but because of two things. Firstly I love seeing people, especially lots of people, looking really happy. But mostly because here is a guy who honestly can't dance very well but doesn't care because he's doing something he enjoys and is clearly happy to be in a new place.

Needless to say when I discovered rumors of a hoax I am not ashamed to admit I was crushed. Thankfully it is NOT a hoax but just one example of human spirit. I've now watched it about 6 times just today because it makes me smile. We were asked if the video was creative and my answer is yes. It is (or was at the time) something new and is beautiful in its simplicity. I doubt I could ever create something like that but I like to look at things. I like to see myself as creative and even write stories on my computer late at night. However unlike Matt, who is obviously bolder than me, I have never shown them to anyone.

After being shown this video in my class today we were told to think outside the box. However as soon as the lecture was over it was back to the 'real world' of our test in two weeks. In that, like in most of life, we are not thinking outside the box. We are constantly crushed in to a shape which fits the society in which we live and I wonder if I'm the only one who at times feels suffocated. Imagine...just for a moment...if everyone allowed their creativity, their uniqueness, their spirit to be seen. And as an example I bring to mind another clip I was shown today. The 'piano stairs' is an example of how deep down I believe people want to smile. I believe that underneath the control, the do's and don't's, the rules, the regulations and the expectations of behaviour we are all creative fun-loving people. In my Politics class recently we had to choose if we were a realist, someone who essentially sees the world as it is so often presented - not particularly sharing or giving and that everyone is in it for themselves with their own agenda, or a Liberalist, someone who believes that in the end people are essentially decent. Of course my definitions are not exact but you get the idea. Anyway the point to all this is I am a Liberalist. I believe that when it gets right down to it people are fundamentally caring creatures and thankfully outside of the nightly news I see evidence of this all around me.

My point you ask? Well even though I do believe in basic human goodness I don't believe very many people are happy. And I'm not talking about 'I just bought a new cool phone' happy. I mean 'grinning because you feel like it, totally' happy. So why? Why, if we are essentially unhappy or dissatisfied do we keep doing the same things? If we only feel a buzz for a short time when we buy a new phone but a long buzz when we spend a night with our family or sing something special do we work all day so we can buy the new phone?

Me...I love to sing. I am happiest when I am either writing my stories late at night or singing in the car. I love to sing in the car because no one else is there, I can sing as loud as I like and no one hears me and I've also found it helps me remain more patient in traffic. I always take my iPod with me wherever I go and I don't care who in the next lane sees me singing. It makes me feel good and doesn't hurt anyone. I'd like to see more people do that. I know that unfortunally our society isn't arranged so that we can do whatever we want all the time but I ask if people really need to be working when they would rather be doing something more fulfilling. I realise that we all need to work but how about we work just a little less and spend more time on our fun, our happy time. If we don't enjoy life then what's the point? We're here (I believe) to learn and enjoy. Our learning isn't all book learning and exams and I personally prefer a point to my life that isn't rules and regulations. I'm going to keep singing in the car...what will you do?

To finish off here is the clip I was speaking of although personally I prefer viewing the HD version. Enjoy. :)

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Give me your thoughts - What do you do that makes you genuinely happy? Have you done it today?

Why can't people see??

I must be stupid. I honestly don't understand how people can't see. I'm watching the trailer for Age of Stupid (Age of Stupid Trailer) and I'm sitting there thinking "Why can't other people see it? Why can't people see that we are in a hole and instead of digging ourselves out we're digging in deeper?"

I have this weird thing where I feel like I'm the only one who sees the world clearly. Like everyone else is looking through tinted glasses or they shut their eyes. They don't want to see. I watch Advertisers target babies simply to make a few dollars, I see people still get a plastic bag for one item, I see children who are 12 drinking themselves in to oblivion, I see packets of sweets being sold with each sweet individually wrapped, I see friends buying plastic plates and they aren't even recyclable, I see parents teaching their kids to be honest and truthful and then see big businesses getting away with anything, and worst of all I see world leaders heading for the biggest converence on climate change and they are taking their bucket of sand so they can bury their heads when people try to tell them that carbon trading schemes DO NOT WORK!

Am I seriously the only one who is afraid? I'm afraid that we'll see things too late. That we'll only start being logical when it suits us which will be when we are faced with something we can't ignore. Humans are great at dealing with disasters. Look at the Tsunami and Hurricane Katrina. What we aren't good at is seeing connections. We aren't seeing what will happen. We can only see what has happened.

So now what? I'm at the age where having a family is becoming more prominent in my mind but even if I did have kids what sort of world would I be bringing them in to? Does anyone actually LIKE the world we live in now? Does anyone sit down and watch the news and think "my goodness I Love this world, it's wonderful!"??? No one I talk to does so why do we allow it to continue like this? I found out that there are homeless people in my small hometown. I had no idea of this and was horrified. My home is one of the most caring places around so why do we allow people to become homeless??

I guess I can't rant on forever but I feel frantically worried and confused. I'll stop now and hopefully I'll see something which makes me feel a bit more optimistic.

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Give me your thoughts - Do you ever feel like you are the only one who sees?? Do you feel worried about where we are heading?

Conflicted - Which way?

I am so conflicted right now. As you may or may not know I've been studying with the Catholic church for a while now and have been attending church. I love the community, the faith and most of all I love the music. The basic values, particularly those of Jesus, also seem quite logical and human. (I won't turn this in to a Church obsession but I wanted to explain my interest a little.) Anyway part of my problem has been that despite my like of the Church some of its values have always irritated me. I particularly dislike their discrimination against women and the notion that Eve doomed us all.

To that end I've had another interest for a while now and that is Wicca. A bit about Wicca, before you jump to conclusions, is that it has nothing to do with the devil, killing or black magic. One feature is that it is quite variable (within certain ethical peramaters) and for me Wicca is about getting in touch with the earth. I feel that Wicca is a natural result of my interest in NOT plundering the Earth the way we so often do in modern society.

Anyway now I get to my confliction. Wicca and the Church have always seemed mututally exclusive to me. The Church is very against anything even resembling Wicca because it considers it evil (and I won't go in to the history of that right now but instead recommend 'Book of Shadows' by Phyllis Currot). But if the two cannot co-exist then how can I be a part of both? Wicca doesn't have anything telling me what I can and cannot do in terms of worship because it is respectful of all faiths. However by being interested in Wicca how can I possibly get the full Christian experience?

So what now? Can I be a part of both faiths given that they give me different things? Wicca gives me a connection with the earth I feel I need and Church connects me with people. I don't know what to do and I suppose, given enough time, I'll figure it out but until then I'm still confused.

A completely unrelated note. This morning it snowed. I needed something special after my horror assignment and exhausting final week and when Mum woke me at 6am it had snowed. I LOVE snow! It's always felt magical to me and this morning I feel like it snowed just for me. :)

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Give me your thoughts - Do you have a confliction of faith? Have you had the same problem?

Assignment Done and 2 skating movies

First of all I'm very happy to report that the assignment which has been giving me hell and driving me crazy is finally done and in! Thank Goodness! It took me until 1am last night (or should I say this morning) and then another 3 hours this morning and I can make two guarantees.

1. First of all I did not leave the assignment till the last minute...I just found it really hard!
2. I worked hard on it. I couldn't possibly have done any more, even if I'd wanted to.

This was without doubt the most difficult assignment I've ever done! Plus the class was kind of strange. I was exhausted and late and I felt like there was an exclusivity going on. I'm not sure if I imagined it, possibly, but it's something which bugs me and I really don't like it.

Now on to the second part of my day. When I got home I was totally wiped out and I'm not doing any study for 24 hours so I wanted to watch TV. I got on to YouTube to see if a clip from Ice Castles from 1979 was on there, turned out there was the entire movie in 16 parts. I've never seen it so I watched the entire thing, loading one part whilst watching the previous part (a very good method for YouTube).

After I was done I remembered my Mum telling me about a movie she saw 10 minutes of one day over lunch so I did a search and found it was 'Go Figure'. A quick search and I find it in 9 parts and so I watched that as well. Both were great. Although the filming techniques in Ice Castles annoyed me I can see why people like it. Go Figure was a classic Disney movie with one decent song, "I want you" by Hope 7. It had better skating in it and I liked the storyline. All in all I enjoyed my ice skating movie night and maybe tomorrow I'll go skating myself. But for now bed is the idea. My stress headache seems to have gone but I have some serious sleep to catch up on. Night.

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Give me your thoughts - Do you ever get that feeling of exclusivity? An exclusivity that excludes you?

Awful Assignment

Ordinarily I don't blog several times in one day (except when I've done something stupid) however tonight is an exception. It is 12:03am and I am still working on my one assignment. This assignment has been the toughest, most frustrating assignment I've ever had. For the last two nights I've dreamt non-stop, I've thought about it eating, showering, trying to study for my exam this morning and every waking moment for the last 5 days (not to mention the time working on it over the last few weeks).

Why? Because this assignment has been HELL. Ordinarily you try something, you fail, you try again and eventually you get better. Not with this. I have read, written, read something different, tried again, and again and again, spoken to my Mum, who knows a little about the topic, tried again. No matter what happens I cannot understand the topic or how to do the assignment. Yes I have asked the teacher for help and every so often, just for the briefest of moments, I think I understand it. Then something happens and it's gone. For the last few days I've felt like I've been trying to catch a bubble but it keeps breaking.

So why the fuss? Well this subject is my Major. It is what I will be studying for the next three years. So not understanding my first real test of intelligence regarding my Major is SCARY! I feel like I'm drowning when all I've done is dip my toe in and it's making me re-think everything I've chosen to do. However there is one problem and that is I don't want to change my major. I want to understand this. I want to conquer it because I suspect that when I do (which I WILL) I will feel pretty damn good about it.

In the meantime I have to leave the assignment and just do the best I can. I can't do any better because I'm clearly missing something vital and it's due in about 12 hours. So I'm going to sign off instead and get some much needed, and well deserved sleep!

....quick after note. I just noticed how bad the editor is for blogger. As someone who creates websites I am ashamed that it's WYSIWYG editor is so bad. 〈i〉 tags, 〈b〉 tags and a shameful amount of extra stuff which is entirely unneeded. I will edit my posts and fix them up for all the people who read the web with a text reader.

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Give me your thoughts - Have you had something you know you should've gotten but couldn't? Did you give up?

New Sign Up to Twitter

I've caved in and signed up to Twitter. Everyone, including the ABC radio seems to be doing it so now I'm doing it too. I'll attach my twitter to this blog so you can see my updates as they come in and I'll even use my phone occasionally to Tweet on the move.

You can find me at: http://twitter.com/totallyopenbook

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Give me your thoughts on twitter - Do you like it? Do you think it's a waste of time?

Exam is Over!

Well one of my exams is over thank god! Obviously I can't tell you the subject but as you know I've hated this class. Well not exactly hated it, just found it hard. Grrr for discourse! I swear if I read about 'othering' or 'heteronormativity' one more time....

On to my incredibly tough assignment now. My mother has been amazing helping me with this and I feel so STUPID still not understanding it. I hate feeling stupid of course but especially when I feel like I should know it.

A classmate today said they were having a worse week than me. They looked totally overwhelmed and I had NO idea what to tell them. Should I joke and try to cheer them up? Can I ask them about it? Should I hug them or just ignore it? I feel so clumsy when people tell me these things am I the only one? What do you do when someone tells you they have depression? What could I possibly say that hasn't probably been said already?

To make it worse I really like this guy. Even though I have less romance in me than a Rat he is really nice and makes me laugh. I hope I can call him a friend and don't want to see him sad.

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Give me your thoughts - Do you ever feel stupid or clumsy around people? Do you ever wonder if you said the right thing or hurt someone's feelings by accident?

Good Sunday - Bad Sunday

It’s been such a strange week. I had Mass this morning and they had a guest choir in who sang For the Beauty of the Earth and of course I cried because I love that song. It always feels like if there is a God then he is speaking when I hear that song, plus the choir sang it so beautifully! The priest did some kind of special blessing and I got holy water on me and it was the first time that had happened.

Mum helped me with some study and left just after 3pm. I kept studying on and off until about 10 and then stopped.

I took a break in my studying at one point and started to read. I was reading Phyllis Currot and at one point had this strange image. I saw myself standing alone, lost and then after a minute these people on either side of me appeared but I didn’t know which way to turn and I felt really scared and alone.

I feel like that. Wicca is one group of people, the church is the other and I have no friends to help me work out which way to go.

I’ve just eaten ice cream and too much icing sugar so now as well as feeling alone and lost I feel useless and undisciplined as well. Crap I wish I knew how to fix things. Why can’t I just get work, make money, date, eat right, exercise, work out which bloody direction I want to go in spiritually.

Bed. It’s late and if I’m awake much longer I’ll have something else to feel useless about.

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Give me your thoughts - Do you ever feel lost? Do you ever feel totally alone?

Friends & Gossip Girl

I've been thinking a lot today. It's Friday and tomorrow Mum is coming to visit for a night. I've spend the last two days watching Gossip Girl. It's a strange series with characters whom I doubt exist in real life...however having said that I wish more than anything that I had friends with whom I was that close. Right toward the end (and don't worry I won't give away the ending) one of the girls has a secret. A secret she has been carrying for a long time and what made me Jealous was the fact that she could go to her friends, tell them, trust them and know they wouldn't betray her.

I don't have that. I have friends. I even have more friends this year than I did last year however none of them are that close. I used to have two friends whom I trusted however one has moved away and the other now has a partner. I feel abandoned. Not that I begrudge them their happiness but I miss them. I don't trust easily so it's difficult to watch very good friends, like in Gossip Girl, and not be jealous.

I hope/wish/long/pray for some friends whom I can tell anything to. Without siblings, grandparents and close friends it's easy to feel alone and abandoned. I wish I could find one or two people who I connected with. I believe in soul friends. People who you just click with and feel comfortable with. But I over-think and each time I think I may have met one I am disappointed. Then I remember being about 10 or so and my best friend in the whole world telling me very seriously that she didn't want to be friends anymore. I don't think she ever gave me a reason but I was devastated. I still see her occasionally but our connection has gone.

On a lighter note I quite enjoyed Gossip Girl and at some point, perhaps after my exams and assignments are done, I'll start season 2.

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Give me your thoughts - Do you long for someone you can trust, that soul friend? Do you find it difficult to trust people?

Crappy Day - Meltdown

Had a meltdown today. I was supposed to hand in an essay and when I got to class no one was there, only about 5 of 25, so the teacher says 'don't worry, hand it in next week'. I could have killed her! Ok so not literally but I was pretty mad because I'd just about killed myself getting it in on time and I was furious that the students who had been organised and committed enough to get it there on time were just ignored.

So after my class had finally finished I tried to go to my Catholic study group, was late, out of petrol and then went the wrong way. Finally I burst in to tears and wound up sitting in my car for an hour on the phone to my Mum who, thankfully, was home and not doing anything vital. I missed my study group but it was just too much to get there this week, even if I do enjoy it.

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Give me your thoughts - Does anyone else have days like that? Just days which don't look awful but feel awful? Do you wind up in tears and on the phone to (hopefully) a sympathetic person?