Closing down

Look I've been posting for almost a year now (almost exactly).

My posts obviously aren't reaching anyone so it's closing down. Apparently my feelings aren't the same as anyone else's so....

Bye.

Go find somewhere else to vent.

Heaven, Beauty and Magic

I just watched Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium and it got me thinking. I don't know what happens when you die. I don't know what's beyond our world. I don't know if I believe in heaven or God or the Goddess or Magic or UFO's. But you know what? I do believe in Something!

I love Handel's Messiah. Although I am not religious (at least not in the usual, go to church, believe in God, way) but I love that work. It is my first memory of enjoying classical music and the only tradition my (tiny) family has is to see it each year around Christmas time. We don't have a lot of traditions so I am fiercely loyal to that one. There is a story connected with my absolutely favourite chorus in Handel's Messiah.

There is a story told about the Hallelujah Chorus that Handel's assistant walked in to Handel's room after shouting to him for several minutes with no response. The assistant reportedly found Handel in tears, and when asked what was wrong, Handel held up the score to this movement and said, "I thought I saw the face of God."*

I don't know if it's literally true but you know even though I'm not religious and even though I don't know if I believe in God I believe Handel felt something. And I believe it because every time I go to the Messiah and we all stand for the Hallelujah Chorus I cry. Partially because I love the tradition of standing for it but mostly because every time I hear that piece of music, even just on a CD or my iPod, I sense something in it. Something amazing. Something beautiful.

And this brings me back to Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium (and be careful because this is about to be a spoiler). Right at the end, when Mahoney is about to sell the store and the accountant (known as Mutant in the story) says she needs to believe in herself and she finds the magic within that brings the store back to life, I cry. And I wish. I wish more than anything, so much that it almost hurts to wish so hard, that I could feel that. See that. Experience that.

That magic, the feeling Handel had whilst composing, the sense you get when you feel that something amazing is about to happen. It's beautiful. It's something perfect, wonderful, magical, amazing. Sometimes I feel like it's only just out of reach. When I hear beautiful music, like the Hallelujah Chorus, or see a beautiful painting, or hear the birds or rain or feel rain on my face or the wind in my hair. When I see the sunset or a child laughing, when I get a hug from someone special or see a beautiful flower or stroke a cat. All of those things, both combined and alone, give the essence of that perfect, spiritual beauty.

Now I'm being wordy but I can't help it. I feel like if I think long enough I'll be able to describe it so others will understand. But I don't think I will. I love language but there are some things beyond it's reach.

This post is going to be long because there are two more things I want to say. The first is an example. In an episode of Buffy of all places, a character dies and then comes back to life (I won't say who). The character is mad at being brought back because they were happy and peaceful where they were. Sometimes I feel like that. Like once I was in heaven and to be here I was taken away where that beautiful place is just a memory, just out of reach.

The second thing is a statement. Often-times I feel like I still think like a child. Not because I'm immature (although I suspect some would argue I am sometimes) but because I know I believe in things. Children do. They believe in Santa and fairies and magical beings and wishes and things we can't see. I don't think adults do. I may be wrong (and I hope someone will point out I am) but it doesn't seem like adults believe. As we grow up we're taught about science and logic and math and reality and although some still believe, in things like God and UFO's, we don't believe the way children do. Except I do.

You may too. I hope you do. But I don't get to see people who do. And maybe they are afraid. I don't tell people I still believe in fairies. I don't want to be thought of as strange but I do believe in them. I believe there are so many more things in this world than what we see. Who knows if they are fairies or alternate realities but it's so hard to believe that all that exists is what we can see.

So my question is do you believe? Because I would like to know if you do. And what is it you believe in? Ghosts? Spirits? True love? Fairies? Magic? A world beyond this one? So....

* Hallelujah Reference

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Give me your thoughts - And tell me...in your very soul...what do you believe?