Panicking

Suddenly I'm freaking out. After a long day trying to choose subjects I've suddenly begun to panic. It started because I watched the 3rd edition of the cutting edge and I'm listening to two songs I like very much. I love to skate but haven't done it much in the past year. I'll get to why later. However suddenly I'm sitting here, missing skating more than words in English can describe and this thought pops into my head. "I don't know where I am." Now I don't mean my location. I mean me. The person who appears when skating feels good. The person who sits in the car when I'm alone and singing to my iPod through the car speakers. I can't find them. I don't know where they are, who they are. I used to think I knew. A long time ago, back when I would read when I was little. When I was in high school and I was in Choir I knew, when I skated before I started study and it all got lost...I knew then too. But now I don't.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in the middle of a desert. And I'm totally alone and there isn't anyone. Not a person, not an animal, not an oasis. I don't feel hot. Or cold. Or anything really. Just totally alone.

Part of me wants to go into something philosophical, because it's easier, ask if this is it? If I'm missing something? Ask how I'm supposed to find it when there are so many other things we're supposed to do in life. However I don't want to...or part of me doesn't. It's easy for me to go in to questions but I'm tired of questions. I'm tired of waiting.

Being in to music I love songs from all places. I saw the Camp Rock movie and the song at the end "This Is Me" has the lyrics:

Do you know what it's like
To feel so in the dark
To dream about a life
Where you're the shining star

I dream of that. Every day. I feel like there is this big part of me that is always hidden. Always out of reach. Sometimes, just sometimes I feel like I can hold it but then it's gone and I'm left feeling like...well like I do now, like I don't know who I am.

Now I will be philosophical because I don't want to end this post on a down note. I feel like I should explain...I do things in my life I enjoy just like everyone else. I do enjoy my study, I have a family, a really supportive mother etc but that doesn't change the fact that I feel like I'm supposed to be doing more with my life.

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Give me your thoughts - Do you feel lost sometimes? Do you feel like you should be doing more with your life? And I don't mean the 'I should be the boss' stuff but the deeper stuff that you don't understand. Did you figure it out?

Not fond of technology

Today my gripe topic is technology. Yesterday someone read a response letter in the newspaper to an article about e-readers, for example the kindle, They asked the readers where they should charge their e-reader whilst on a trip to out-back snow country. I laughed of course however part of me didn't find it funny, I found it sad.

Several months ago I watched the TV special "The Commercialization of Children" (which is available on YouTube at the moment of this post). It scared me. Not 'scared of a spider' scared but just creeped me out. I'm a bit of a split personality when it comes to technology because part of me loves the gadgets, the webcams, the USB hubs shaped like a TARDIS etc etc. However the other part of me envies the characters in "The Good Life" a very old BBC series about a couple who go off the grid and live off their yard, some animals and their brains. It was made in the 70's and still makes sense now.

So what? Do we give up the technology? Do we continue the way we are going, making even the unnecessary things electronic? I don't have the answer but I have to admit that often the lack of technology would be very nice. I remember when I was a little kid and it rained my mother would take me outside and we would jump in puddles on a walk and them comeback and each hot chocolate. We don't do that anymore. When it rains I turn on my laptop, furiously backing up files in case it crashes. I don't remember the last time when I wasn't aware of this impending Data Doom!

Frankly I'm sick of it. I'm sick of worrying if my data will be there in the morning. How much a repair will cost me, how much I'd lose, how I must back up some files at least 3 times just to be sure. Pens cost about 1000th of a computer and can write thousands of words. No backing up required.

Goodness knows what the solution is but I personally am sick of relying on electricity and technology, especially when most of the time it doesn't even work. Now I realise it is highly ironic to post that on a blog but it's true. And I'm going to try and minimise the amount I rely on technology...in fact come to think of it if I wasn't in house with too many smoke detectors I'd live by candlelight...bring on Earth Hour!

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Give me your thoughts - Do you feel weighed down by technology? Do you think we over-use it? Or do you simply love the fun/convenience?

The Slow Experiment Continues

I've just finished a full 24 hours of trying to slow myself down and I've realised two things. First of all this is going to be a lot more difficult than I thought. I managed to not frantically rush around but the deliberately slow pace vanished almost as soon as I left the house.

Secondly I did not realise what an impact this would have on others. I rang my Mother this morning and found it extremely difficult to keep our conversation slow. In fact she thought I was upset until I explained I just didn't want to rush about.

I have however noticed a difference already. I did not get frustrated when I had to wait at the bank and instead ducked next door, whilst I waited for them to call my ticket number, and saw some very beautiful animals in the pet-shop. The orange budgies were amazing! I also noticed a difference when I had to wait 20 minutes to get the bus home and the time neither flew nor dragged.

Unfortunately some of the slow, deliberate pace wore off as the day progressed but I will try again tomorrow. Already I've noticed I feel less stressed, and considering that my LOOONNNGGG academic year is finally over for two weeks, after some extremely stressful weeks, I am glad to feel a bit lighter. I hope to make more progress over the next week because keeping this up, particularly when I go home and then go back to study will be the real challenge.

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Give me your thoughts - Do you act differently around your family vs your friends vs when you are alone? Why? Do you like the changes?

Slow things down - let's begin

I have made a decision. Thanks to Avatar, the movie, and a thought I had recently I have decided to put my theory about life in modern times into practice. My theory has always been about two key things in life. Firstly I believe that we spend our entire lives trying to find a balance in this world. I believe that babies are born with perfect balance, and I do not mean with standing but in terms of what they live, and as we age we lose that balance, only to spend the rest of our lives trying to get it back. Secondly I think we move too fast in our modern times. Time was that we would move slowly because that was the only way. Now everything is done faster and faster.

I am not naturally a fast person. I have had trouble with jobs because I move too slowly and I do not enjoy feeling like I am always rushing to get somewhere or do something. To that end I have made a decision...I am going to deliberately slow things down in my life. I am going to do things, as my mother described it once, mindfully. I am going to take my time doing the things I enjoy and I am also going to observe and document how it changes me.

As a starting point I am someone who frustrates easily. I also dislike feeling rushed, such as at the checkout and I am still trying to put my change away and pick up my shopping bag whilst the server has moved on to the next customer. I'm going to ignore that. I am going to walk more slowly, read more slowly, think more slowly.

There will have to be two main exceptions. Firstly I am at Uni and so any exams will have to be done at a reasonable pace to avoid failing them. And also although I will make every effort, on top of my usual effort, to slow down on the roads I cannot drive at 50km/hour when the limit is 90. I always adhere to speed limits of course and will be extra vigilant about this. However I do not wish to cause Road Rage in other drivers or cause road hazards.

I will be interested to see how this makes me feel. Already typing this post I have had to concentrate to stop my typing from climbing to its usual, frantic speed. However that is the point. I am tired of always feeling frantic and I think this will be both rewarding and challenging. On the bright side in the last hour, since I made this choice I have done my teeth more thoroughly than I have ever done in my life because I took my time and did not scold myself for taking longer.

I will be posting my progress as I go on this blog so stay tuned.

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Give me your thoughts - Are you tired of the frantic pace? Wish me luck and if you try this let me know how you go.