Suddenly I'm freaking out. After a long day trying to choose subjects I've suddenly begun to panic. It started because I watched the 3rd edition of the cutting edge and I'm listening to two songs I like very much. I love to skate but haven't done it much in the past year. I'll get to why later. However suddenly I'm sitting here, missing skating more than words in English can describe and this thought pops into my head. "I don't know where I am." Now I don't mean my location. I mean me. The person who appears when skating feels good. The person who sits in the car when I'm alone and singing to my iPod through the car speakers. I can't find them. I don't know where they are, who they are. I used to think I knew. A long time ago, back when I would read when I was little. When I was in high school and I was in Choir I knew, when I skated before I started study and it all got lost...I knew then too. But now I don't.
Sometimes I feel like I'm in the middle of a desert. And I'm totally alone and there isn't anyone. Not a person, not an animal, not an oasis. I don't feel hot. Or cold. Or anything really. Just totally alone.
Part of me wants to go into something philosophical, because it's easier, ask if this is it? If I'm missing something? Ask how I'm supposed to find it when there are so many other things we're supposed to do in life. However I don't want to...or part of me doesn't. It's easy for me to go in to questions but I'm tired of questions. I'm tired of waiting.
Being in to music I love songs from all places. I saw the Camp Rock movie and the song at the end "This Is Me" has the lyrics:
Do you know what it's like
To feel so in the dark
To dream about a life
Where you're the shining star
I dream of that. Every day. I feel like there is this big part of me that is always hidden. Always out of reach. Sometimes, just sometimes I feel like I can hold it but then it's gone and I'm left feeling like...well like I do now, like I don't know who I am.
Now I will be philosophical because I don't want to end this post on a down note. I feel like I should explain...I do things in my life I enjoy just like everyone else. I do enjoy my study, I have a family, a really supportive mother etc but that doesn't change the fact that I feel like I'm supposed to be doing more with my life.
Give me your thoughts - Do you feel lost sometimes? Do you feel like you should be doing more with your life? And I don't mean the 'I should be the boss' stuff but the deeper stuff that you don't understand. Did you figure it out?
No comments:
Post a Comment