Recently I was told I had to move. I'm currently living at University and thanks to damage I have to move. Now the way I, and my housemates, were told about this sux. We were sent an email late one evening which was two lines. Paraphrased it said "by the way, there is damage to your unit so you have to move". No when, where, how, who would be with whom - nothing.
Over the next two days I had classes all day. The timing couldn't have been worse because the email came late Wednesday evening and Thursday and Friday are my busiest class days. However thanks to my housemates more information emerged. The damage was to the unit next door and we would have to move by the end of our mid semester break. The rumour for two days was that we would be able to stay together - this has not happened.
For me this especially sux. I've lived here a year already. I've had 10 housemates in a year and a bit, I've met new people, which I hate doing, and I've adjusted to study, to living on my own and to my home-life being disrupted once again. My mother has the habit of moving house and so I enjoyed feeling like I was stable for a change. I've tried to turn my room in to something cosy and safe and have, for the first time in about 5 years, begun making new friends with two of my new housemates this year. I don't make friends easily. I'm not someone who socialises a lot and tend to be quite quirky which most people find...I'm not sure...disturbing? Unappealing? Scary? Who knows. The point is I hate meeting new people and making friends is hard.
But I was doing it. And I've been proud. I've been making friends with two of my new housemates and even was persuaded to go to the university bar (which for me is a miracle). Now...it's gone. They are gone. In less than a week the Uni Accommodation Admin office has ripped any chances away, taken away a home and replaced it with four walls and a ceiling, not even having the decency to apologise. They've upended and disrupted us in the middle of a semester with no idea of the impact that has and we can do nothing.
My biggest problem however is not about the fact that I have no rights, being helpless and frustrated. My problem is the fact that I feel completely, totally and utterly CRUSHED. I'm used to fighting. I'm used to trying hard ALL the time. Censoring EVERYTHING I do in order to try and fit in with a world, a social structure, and a culture I don't believe in. I try to be upbeat, positive, not swear, not do embarrassing things; not hurt people, lie, gossip, talk behind their backs. I try to be helpful, generous and kind. Now it doesn't feel worth it. Being generous has only gotten my stuff broken or wrecked and my money wasted, being kind has gotten me walked on. Not swearing or gossiping means I have nothing in common with the people around me and being helpful has gotten me taken advantage of.
So now what? Maybe I'm just not meant to have friends. I don't know but that's how I feel. Just when I was getting brave again, just as I was thinking maybe, just maybe I can make new friends who don't try to change me - now they are taken away and right now my mind is in conspiracy mode. Like what if instead of asking to be kept together when we are moved, as I believe, they asked specifically to be separated? It sound crazy I know but that's what my mind goes back to. I don't trust people easily. I don't date much for this reason (apart from the fact that Aussie guys wouldn't know a date if they tripped over one - a bar/club is not a date) and my mind is very good at thinking up stories like that.
Once again I'm rambling but that's what this blog is for. A chance to get my mind out of the circle it's in and in to some kind of order. I don't know what the answer is. I have no way of knowing if my paranoid questions are real and to be honest I don't want to know. All I can say is I'm tired of this 'race'. It feels like a rat race, a race to try and be someone I'm just not in order to connect with people. I'm tired of the working, so hard, all the time, just to try and be liked.
Give me your thoughts - Do you censor yourself? Or have you found that you didn't need to? Should I be censoring myself or should I just allow the fact that I talk to much, occasionally act like a 5 year old and don't drink to be who I am and say to everyone 'tough' when they don't like that? Or should I just give up on the idea of having real friends altogether - because I have to do something, I'm tired of fighting everything, all the time!