Today I'm having a crisis. I'm not someone who trust people very easily and so therefore I'm not exactly surrounded by a hundred friends and dozens of 'bosom buddies' (someone you can trust with anything). You remember me talking about Gossip Girl in a previous post? The scene where one of the characters has done something and is freaking out about it. Her friends drop everything to help her and when she does tell them they don't judge but support her completely. I'm SO jealous of that scene. I would do anything to have friends like that. People who are so totally there for you that no matter how bad you screw up you know that they will still support you.
I'm very lucky in some ways. I have a very supportive mother and am very thankful for that. That being said that a mother is different. Even one as supportive and understanding as mine cannot be there like a friend can. I crave friends I could trust with my life and to be honest (as is the point of this blogs anonymity) I don't remember the last time I trusted a friend that much.
I censor everything I do. My thoughts, my words, my actions, my habits, my dress. All done to try and become the person I think people want. I like to be seen as organised, punctual, a hard worker, generous etc etc... In reality I'm always late, I hate working, I'm usually flat broke, I'm the messiest person on the planet and I HATE Facebook. I threw that last one in for good measure because seeing as everyone else uses Facebook. I have to - but I hate it.
The reason why I'm having such a freak out is a guy I've known since high school, one I'd have classified as my best friend until about 4 hours ago, decided to bail on my birthday. Not a big deal for some except for 3 points. Firstly they bailed last year too (along with several other people which was plain humiliating!), secondly their reason is shoddy, and thirdly as someone who is not naturally a party/people person parties are a big deal for me. To invite someone is to risk rejection, something I'm not good at. To have my friend abandon me is extremely hurtful and I was not polite in my response.
So now what??? Do I give up? Am I just a person who isn't destined to have friends, just acquaintances? If I'm supposed to risk again then how do I do that? Finally how do I know I can trust someone the way I wish more than anything I could trust them? I don't have the answers but you might. I'd like to at least know I'm not the only one terrified of being alone forever (and I don't mean partner-wise). I'd like to know that others long for special friends just so I know that in this feeling at least I am not alone.
Give me your thoughts - Do you long for 'soul-friends'? Are you afraid of not finding that (or of losing it)?
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