Ok...can some please explain to me what the deal is? I am well aware that life isn't like TV and now that I've established that I'd like someone, anyone, to clear up my confusion for me. Whenever someone says...open up, talk to me etc...especially if it's on a public forum such as a radio show (or a blog) they always do...so why don't people respond on here? The best part about this blog is I can go on a rant without worrying about what people will think of me the way I usually do. I'm not telling you to AGREE with me. I'm ASKING you to respond. To give me your opinion, your thoughts, your ideas. I'm saying you can vent at the world here and on the off chance that we are ticked off about the same stuff then we can vent together.
Sometimes I feel like a virus. All these comments on facebook right now about the new female PM that Australia has. My comment was one of the first. Have people replied? No! Do people read this blog? No, apparently not considering I have no subscribers, barely 40 profile views and no comments.
People say "be yourself". This place is as close to me being me as I can get. This blog is 100% me. This world is a bloody contradiction. It doesn't want me to be myself. It want me to conform and be exactly like everyone else. Work insanely hard, party all night, get hammered every week, have sex with everything that moves, study all day, learn at a pace not even Superman could master. Well screw it! I don't do ANY of those things. So excuse me if I don't want to jump in to bed with people, work day and night, forego everything that I enjoy, study all day and get drunk on a regular basis. So sue me!
Please go ahead and sue me for wanting to understand what the hell people are about. I am totally wrong to want community and family and something to think about other than my next purchase or what the Jones' have next door. It is mental of me to want proper friends who could deal with the rants I get to have on here without freaking out and it should be illegal for me to cry when this world just seems to SUX!
I guess that's it. This blog is now and will forever be the only place I can be totally honest. Be me. Because in this world 'me' clearly isn't good enough.
I enjoy cooking, as I may have mentioned - please hate me for repeating myself BTW, and I like things to match. I buy jars for the kitchen items I own. Flour types, different types of sugar, nuts, baking powder, cake decoration sprinkles etc etc. And because I don't have a lot of money I buy maybe one or two a week, going back to places which tend to have the same stock for a while. I've built up quite a collection now and it makes me happy and satisfied to look in my cupboard, know I can make almost anything I want (unless it requires chocolate which gets eaten in 3 seconds) and know I will find it easily and be stored safely with no nasty chemicals.
Well apparently this isn't 'socially acceptable' either. I am SICK and TIRED of being commented on. My weekly/fortnightly purchase of a couple of glass jars have now apparently become a standing joke amongst the shop keepers. Firstly you think they'd be pleased for the repeat business. Secondly...it's none of their God Damn business what and when I buy! I am sooooo tired of having to freaking justify everything I do, feeling like everything I do is wrong somehow. Shit they are bloody glass jars for crying out loud.
Generally in my life I'm a good person. I don't swear too much (although I feel like it right now), I never steal or cheat, I don't talk about people behind their back, I don't listen or spread rumours or gossip, I don't badmouth, and I'll return 5c if you drop it in the street and I see. I'm polite to people, I don't blame workers for bureaucratic decisions I know they have nothing to do with, I help my mother whenever possible, I'm polite to my father even when he is being unbelievably rude to me, I try not to pester teachers, I don't take over common areas of houses, I clean up my own messes, I take care of my car so I don't put lots of pollution into the air and I would NEVER cheat or be a mistress. So why the bloody hell am I broke, lonely, without good friends, thousands of km from family, failing uni and living in a pigsty? What happened to good things happening to good people? TV and books lie to us. They show the person who is good and honest getting the reward but in life that's Bull. It doesn't happen like that. Everyone I know is dishonest in some way or another...well almost everyone...but even so all those dishonest people, the ones who lie and talk about others behind their back and bad mouth...they are the ones who have partners and friends and jobs...so why....
Forget it. I've worked out what I believe now. Nice guys finish last. Bad guys always win and at the end of the day my...life...sux. I guess I'm doomed to send posts into a world which isn't interested, be totally broke, never have real friends I can trust and never fall in love.
Even my family seems to hate me. Well no actually. Hate I can handle. Hate is obvious and gives you something to fight. Being ignored or forgotten is worse. You can't fight that. You sit there, wondering what you did wrong and you never know. I have two step sisters. They forget me. They probably have no idea that I would run naked through parliament on hot coals for the bond they have with each other, to be part of that connection that I will never ever have. My mother is a wanderer. I love her more than anything because she's stuck by me when no one else has. But she is restless. We'd moved more times than I have fingers before I was 12. I've lived at something like 8 different addresses since I was 15. And even now...even after I've spent a decade trying to explain...she still doesn't understand that I want to be close. I HATE TV right now. On TV parents are always sad when their kids move out. Mum kicked me out by association. She rented out our house...our house...my HOME...and moved 2,000km away. She wasn't sad to see me move out for uni. She was glad. I am, and always have been, a burden to her. Finally my father. He is scared and he is angry. I don't know why he is scared but he is angry because I am his only child. He and my step mother couldn't have kids. It devastated them. I disappoint him. He wanted an angel when I was a kid and now he wants...I don't know... grand-kids probably. He's always asking me when I'll get a boyfriend. He doesn't know I'd run through parliament for that too. For love. For passion. For that connection that means that you trust someone with more than your life; you trust them with your soul!
I could write forever. I feel like if I keep on writing it will all become clear. I'll understand why I don't have friends. Have never had friends...not even in primary school. "Just wait until you are out of school." "Uni is better" "I didn't have many friends as a child, wait until you are an adult". When I was 12 those phrases gave me hope. Well now I'm an adult and to write this is so painful I can't breathe. I'm here. Now. Waiting. I have no one. I could sit in this room for a month and no one would know. What does that mean? What does that say about me?
I used to wonder how people wound up homeless. It's my biggest fear actually. I went to a shelter once in the city where some people, all men in this case, slept sometimes. I didn't understand it, being only 12 at the time, how these people's families could allow that to happen. Some I knew were probably estranged, some probably didn't have families but some would have I knew and it shocked me to think that someone could allow their son, daughter, brother, sister, father, mother...to live like that. I still don't understand and it still terrifies me. Without my mother I could be that person. She is the ONLY one who still calls, still keeps in touch, still wants to know I'm Ok.
I have to stop now. If I keep writing I won't stop. But I had to put this. Have to write it down. Remember it. I have to remember that some people do have it worse. I have my mother and she is irreplaceable and wonderful. And you...reading it...you need to know how lucky you are. The quote about friends being more precious than gold is right. Family is too. To have people you can rely on is the most PRECIOUS thing you can ever have. Value them. They are priceless!
If you want to give your thoughts then DO! There is an anonymous option you know!!!
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