It always shocks me about how quickly emotion can creep up on you. I'm sitting in bed (cause it's FREEZING at the moment), listening to music through my headphones and enjoying a new song "Smile" by Uncle Kracker (which is really good). Suddenly I have this wave of sadness because ice skating used to be everything to me. I'd think about it, write about it, dream about it, fantasise about it, talk about it, watch movies about it and do it of course...then I began study and it faded away, forgotten.
As I write this I am starting to panic. I didn't want it to become a "I used to skate". I don't want to say that. I want to keep saying "I skate". I want to keep doing it because it was the first thing I ever worked at in my whole life. Before skating I was nothing. I didn't stick with anything and the longest I worked at anything was three months. Then I watched Ice Princess, started driving and started skating.
Australia is NOT the best place to be in to skating but I did it, driving for an hour and a half, leaving at 7:30 to be at the rink at 9am on a Saturday morning to take classes with 7 year olds. I competed. In fact the first time I competed two weeks before I was driving home after watching a friend practice her little program in her special dress and suddenly I thought I would literally die if I didn't get to compete too. I couldn't breathe I wanted to do it so much and I'm in tears now because I don't remember what that felt like anymore. I did compete and almost cried on the ice before I began because for the first time in my entire life I was doing something special.
Now it's gone. The one thing I had which made me feel like there was a possibility of something good has been lost and I don't know how to get it back.
My mother says...just go skating...and I supposed technically she is right but it's not the same, it can't be. I'm near a different rink. I can't afford coaching and I can't go home after skating, talking about it for two hours because it makes me so happy.
Damn it things seemed so simple then. I don't think it felt simple but compared to now it was simple. I'd skate and drive home listening to the Ice Princess Soundtrack (a really good soundtrack by the way), tell Mum all about it and be at HOME!
Now I'm here in the city where, even though I've finally finished unpacking, it's not home. Mum is 2000km away and I have lost all of my skating friends. It was the skating. It felt good to stretch, to accomplish something, do learn something no one else I knew could do. But it was also the drive, the singing to the songs, the relating to people who understood what it felt like to glide in a spiral or manage a spin or crash in a jump, however small.
I'm trying not to get negative but it's difficult. Someone once told me that because I'd started late I wouldn't get very far. I SWORE I'd make a liar of him. Swore I'd prove him wrong. Prove that age means nothing, it's all about heart. I don't understand what happened.
I keep coming back to this feeling I'm trying not to let get the better of me. I was getting coaching from a woman I liked very much. She was patient and understanding however just before I began studying I got this feeling she was sick of me somehow. Nothing was ever said but it was hard. I'm not good around people and once I feel that, true or not unfortunately, it's hard for me to forget. I don't like being a burden to people and get mad when I feel I am.
I will go back to skating, even though it tears me to even type that 'going back to'. I miss the skating as well as the driving and other things. I miss competing too, something I never thought would happen. And I'll forget about feelings which are probably wrong anyway. At least I'll try really hard!
Quick after note: Family Guy's 150th Episode was on TV tonight. God I HATE that show. I didn't realise how much until tonight but I really don't like Family Guy. It's sick!
Give me your thoughts - What do you miss? What do you miss about it?
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