So I've not posted for almost 6 years. But lately I've been bursting with all these things I want to talk about. My life has never been perfect but I'm fit to burst with all the things I want to say but am afraid to. That is me. Afraid of pretty much everything. So I've come back, to try and put down what scares me in the hope that someone out there will either a) understand and tell me so and we'll both know we're not alone or b) at least be able to reassure me I'm not crazy...because I gotta say that right now I feel crazy! So here goes...my confessions.
1) I live near enough to Sydney to go to Mardigras and it was held yesterday. Doesn't narrow down my identity much but let's just go with it. Anyway I have this weird thing about Mardigras. Don't get me wrong I'm not about to start on some kind of horrid "I hate gays and transgender" homophobia rant. NOT ME. I think love is a beautiful thing and I don't care how people find it. That said I am kind of conservative and feel that sexual things should be private but I'm mature enough to know that not everyone feels that way. No, my issue with Mardigras isn't that people are flaunting sex in public it's that as a straight person I don't feel I have the right to even show up in support. Yep I'm a freak.
Now let me try and explain a bit. Mardigras is important for people who are gay/bi/transgender/x-dresser etc. Super important because they can proudly state who they are and not have to worry for once in their life if some idiot is going to be a git about it. And I gotta say that I imagine that would feel really good. I have things I feel ashamed of about myself and would love to be part of a giant group of people who accepts that part of me. Now this is where I'm going to sound kind of selfish or stupid but I swear I don't mean to. Here's the thing I am straight. At this point in my life I've had no indication that I'm remotely bi (and I'm clearly not a lesbian or transgender) this might change in the future but that's me right now. Mardigras feels to me like a place only for those people. Like it's an exclusive club membership and I'm not welcome. I know, stupid right but think about it for a moment...it is. Mardigras is for all those people who have to protect themselves or worry or even hide the other 364 days of the year (and yes I'm aware this is a leap year...I'm ignoring it) so it makes sense that it is this exclusive club night for everyone and I understand that I'm not technically not invited to it but at the same time I don't feel like I belong there even a little bit. I wish I did. I want to be invited and go there and celebrate love with everyone else but I have no comprehension of how they feel having to hide or be afraid so I didn't go.
I have friends and family and I know that if I told them this they probably wouldn't understand. They'd tell me, correctly I might add, that I could go to support everyone and I really want to but it doesn't change how I feel. I thought about going but I feel like an invader or that weird friend who hangs around and follows people around like a puppy dog. I have no reason go go. I support friends all the time but I feel that even something like the American PFlag isn't for me. I don't belong there.
I hope this changes in the future and please don't lynch me. I am not someone who enjoys being somewhere I'm not wanted so it's difficult for me to go to things to support others without specific invitations. For now I'll support people's love the best way I know how...by being a human to them as I would be to anyone else. One day I might feel like it's Ok for me to show my support by going to Mardigras and having fun too but for now I'll support from afar and pray that Australia gets off its ass and legalises Gay marriage...seriously it's a disgrace that we haven't already!
2) My next confession my seem like it is related to my first. It is not I assure you. I am on a spiritual quest. Not a "drink the tea and go on a vision journey" kind of quest but a search to find something that makes me feel...a little less lonely I guess. I'm partially loathe to write this because it's so easy to read in to things but my searching has lead me to the church. (Now do my first two sentences make sense?) Some of you may think that my issue with Mardigras has something to do with homophobia but I promise it does not. My issue comes more from the feeling I have when I get the feeling I want to go to church...I don't feel I belong there.
I don't think right now that I belong anywhere. I live by myself, I have almost no friends outside of work and very few friends at work. My work mates are lovely people but we spend all day working and speaking to others so interaction with them is left to break times. This is one of the reasons I turned to the church. To some the church may seem rigid but to me the whole idea of coming together to worship is like a drug...I want that. One problem...I'm afraid to go.
I like going to church. I always have. I like the coming together, I enjoy the music, and I like believing something beyond the end of my nose. I envy deeply some of those people I've seen or met who believe so fully that they have no doubts at all. To them God is real without question.
This is where my enjoyment starts to hit some snags. I would follow the teachings of Jesus religiously (LOL sorry, bad pun). The other parts of the Bible are a bit of pot luck. Some are lovely and some, put bluntly, are crap. And given that some of my best friends are Gay I absolutely refuse to tell them they are evil or sinful or something equally awful like that. And so comes my dilemma. I wish to go to church and worship and sing and be with others who feel the same. I wish to make friends who feel the same and to maybe no feel lonely. But at the same time I feel that to attend would be lying and disrespectful because I don't agree with it all. So I don't go but hang around wishing I could and hoping I'll get some God-given sign that I should or shouldn't go and in the meantime feeling so lost and along I couldn't find the Sydney Harbour bridge with a compass, a map, and a GPS.
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I guess both the confessions come down to two things. Firstly I'm lonely. I crave the romance and love that I see others getting and even if I can't have that I wish every day for friends I can count on. My family is not worth mentioning because of geography mostly and I wish I had those forever friendships where you feel like you can tell them anything because they are your family but I don't have that either. Secondly I wish so much that I belonged somewhere. Home is so important and right now I have a place to live, not a home. A home has friends and family and love and heart and soul in it. A home is a place to feel safe and cared for and I have none of that. I want that more than anything and that's why I had to come back here and put all this down. I....I... well I'm just repeating myself now. I've put down what I was so desperate to put down so I'll sign off for now and hope that someone, somewhere...understands and tells me so. Please tell me I'm not alone.
Open Book...now closing.
Give me your thoughts - Do you feel lonely? Do you feel you belong or do you feel like an intruder?
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