Today I'm suddenly having a crisis. I don't know why. I mean I've just moved, for about the 20th (literally) time in my life, I've spent the last few days packing, and it's the New Year. However once again I find myself with the same questions in my head "Why can't I be 16 again?"
I voiced this to someone who then asked me something I've never considered - Why?
Why? I've never thought about why. A few things popped into my head. I like having people take care of me, I liked knowing what was expected of me and I liked life being simpler. However after half an hour I had another thought. It's not what was expected of me then that I liked it's what expected of me now that I don't like! Ever since I've left school I've felt like a fish out of water. Floundering about. Not sure of the rules, always feeling slow to catch up. But what bugs me most is feeling like I don't know what I should. I feel oftentimes like there is a manual to life someone that no-one told me about. I feel like all of a sudden I'm supposed to be able to know things, do things and handle things I have no knowledge or experience of. Like when my car got dinged several months ago. No one ever told me what to do in that situation. How do I know what you do? Do you call the cops if no one is hurt? Do you get their details? Do you get a tow? Do you give away your licence? Thankfully I had someone with me who knew what to do and the repairman for my car gave me a fantastic little card (which I will hopefully never need!). The card was big enough to fill out everything you need and told you what to do in case of an accident. For the record I think one should be given to every new driver.
This is just one example. What about meeting people and making friends when there is no structured environment? The age old question of getting a date. I know some learn this stuff in high school and most people probably never think about it but I didn't (learn it) and I do (think about it). I watch TV shows where all these teenagers are easily handling everything. Illness, accidents, setbacks...I'm well aware that TV isn't always reality but it still reflects what I see around me.
Personally I don't get it. I don't know how to be an adult. I don't know if I'm supposed to get Cholesterol checks, or how much my stuff is worth. I know nothing about Tax and have no idea if I have a no-claim bonus with my car insurance. I don't know how to tell if my car battery is about to die (which it did and I was ripped off getting it replaced). Does everyone feel as uncertain as me? Or has everyone else just made the same mistakes and moved on? Or does everyone just know somehow?
This is why I wish I was 16. Aside from just being the sort of person who likes to do everything twice, I feel so behind everyone else. It's like everyone I know is going at one speed and I feel like the little sister in movies always tagging behind her older sibling, struggling to keep up.
And what drives me crazy is sometimes, at night or when I'm writing a story on my computer (which I do for fun) or when I watch the 'Where the hell is Matt' video on youtube (see my previous post 26/11/09) I feel like I get it all. Just for a moment I get this strange sense that I understand all the questions I ask. For that moment I (and I know I sound crazy) feel like I can sense my soul or God or something. I love that feeling and to me that would be what I'd want to feel if I were to go to Heaven. I'm not saying I believe in Heaven but it's a good word to use and it's one that most people understand the idea of.
This is why I keep this blog secret. I could never say this stuff if people knew who I was. If I am the only one who feels this and everyone found out I would die of embarrassment but that's my issue for the week. This is why I want to be 16. I want time to catch up to everyone else. To feel for once like I'm not trailing behind or not speaking the same language as those around me. And now that I've made sure I sound like a complete nutjob I'm going to sign off for the evening.
Give me your thoughts - Am I the only one who feels clumsy and floundering? Do you feel like you are expected to know things you couldn't possibly know or things you feel like you should know but don't?
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