Totally Open Book

Closing down

2010-09-14T23:42:00.003+10:00

Look I've been posting for almost a year now (almost exactly).

My posts obviously aren't reaching anyone so it's closing down. Apparently my feelings aren't the same as anyone else's so....

Bye.

Go find somewhere else to vent.

Heaven, Beauty and Magic

2010-09-04T21:40:00.006+10:00

I just watched Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium and it got me thinking. I don't know what happens when you die. I don't know what's beyond our world. I don't know if I believe in heaven or God or the Goddess or Magic or UFO's. But you know what? I do believe in Something!

I love Handel's Messiah. Although I am not religious (at least not in the usual, go to church, believe in God, way) but I love that work. It is my first memory of enjoying classical music and the only tradition my (tiny) family has is to see it each year around Christmas time. We don't have a lot of traditions so I am fiercely loyal to that one. There is a story connected with my absolutely favourite chorus in Handel's Messiah.

There is a story told about the Hallelujah Chorus that Handel's assistant walked in to Handel's room after shouting to him for several minutes with no response. The assistant reportedly found Handel in tears, and when asked what was wrong, Handel held up the score to this movement and said, "I thought I saw the face of God."*

I don't know if it's literally true but you know even though I'm not religious and even though I don't know if I believe in God I believe Handel felt something. And I believe it because every time I go to the Messiah and we all stand for the Hallelujah Chorus I cry. Partially because I love the tradition of standing for it but mostly because every time I hear that piece of music, even just on a CD or my iPod, I sense something in it. Something amazing. Something beautiful.

And this brings me back to Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium (and be careful because this is about to be a spoiler). Right at the end, when Mahoney is about to sell the store and the accountant (known as Mutant in the story) says she needs to believe in herself and she finds the magic within that brings the store back to life, I cry. And I wish. I wish more than anything, so much that it almost hurts to wish so hard, that I could feel that. See that. Experience that.

That magic, the feeling Handel had whilst composing, the sense you get when you feel that something amazing is about to happen. It's beautiful. It's something perfect, wonderful, magical, amazing. Sometimes I feel like it's only just out of reach. When I hear beautiful music, like the Hallelujah Chorus, or see a beautiful painting, or hear the birds or rain or feel rain on my face or the wind in my hair. When I see the sunset or a child laughing, when I get a hug from someone special or see a beautiful flower or stroke a cat. All of those things, both combined and alone, give the essence of that perfect, spiritual beauty.

Now I'm being wordy but I can't help it. I feel like if I think long enough I'll be able to describe it so others will understand. But I don't think I will. I love language but there are some things beyond it's reach.

This post is going to be long because there are two more things I want to say. The first is an example. In an episode of Buffy of all places, a character dies and then comes back to life (I won't say who). The character is mad at being brought back because they were happy and peaceful where they were. Sometimes I feel like that. Like once I was in heaven and to be here I was taken away where that beautiful place is just a memory, just out of reach.

The second thing is a statement. Often-times I feel like I still think like a child. Not because I'm immature (although I suspect some would argue I am sometimes) but because I know I believe in things. Children do. They believe in Santa and fairies and magical beings and wishes and things we can't see. I don't think adults do. I may be wrong (and I hope someone will point out I am) but it doesn't seem like adults believe. As we grow up we're taught about science and logic and math and reality and although some still believe, in things like God and UFO's, we don't believe the way children do. Except I do.

You may too. I hope you do. But I don't get to see people who do. And maybe they are afraid. I don't tell people I still believe in fairies. I don't want to be thought of as strange but I do believe in them. I believe there are so many more things in this world than what we see. Who knows if they are fairies or alternate realities but it's so hard to believe that all that exists is what we can see.

So my question is do you believe? Because I would like to know if you do. And what is it you believe in? Ghosts? Spirits? True love? Fairies? Magic? A world beyond this one? So....

* Hallelujah Reference

Give me your thoughts - And tell me...in your very soul...what do you believe?

Melancholy & Utopia

2010-08-04T11:57:00.002+10:00

Today I am melancholy. Been speaking to family far away and listening to old albums from when I was a kid and life was simpler. The album is from an old TV show called Lift Off which I LOVED. I kept the music (not having thrown out a CD since I was about 12) and I am SO glad. Except...it makes me feel melancholy. I miss those days. They seemed simpler and even if I'm feeling nostalgic (which is never negative) just listening to the music makes me miss the simpler days. Walks in the cold to collect firewood, family holidays, music, school, weekends and reading.

Today my life makes me feel like I've always eaten too much. Not sick but stuffed. Too full of stuff. Too much technology. Too much choice. Too much fuss. Too much money. Too much pressure.

I recently had to read Utopia by Thomas More. I would highly recommend this book. I didn't agree with everything, I rarely do, however some of his ideas are brilliant, others simply logical.

Utopia is two 'books' or chapters. It is basically a dialogue between Moore himself and a character Raphael. Raphael has travelled far and wide and the second half is dedicated to his detailed description of Utopia. Utopia is a communally run island of 14 'districts'. Each is set out in basically the same way and no one has any private property. Everyone works (6 hours a day or so) and all benefit. Dining is communal 99% of the time (because the best food is given to the dining halls) and those who are sick go to hospitals to get better. Everything is evenly distributed and emphasis is on equitable division of goods.

As I said I didn't agree with everything. There was some opinion about War and women being the weaker sex I didn't agree with, not surprising as More was writing in the 14-1500's, however on the base level I think he was on to something. One line in particular jumped out at me which was something along the lines of:

Mother earth puts everything needed (not wanted but needed) within easy reach.

If you think about he's right. We don't have to mine for 2km to get potatoes or water. Food, wood for fire, water, trees for medicine. Everything is there.

I'm not a classic environmentalist. I'm a student who isn't sure what they want out of life. Or what she's supposed to do with her life. Or if she'll find what she wants but doesn't know how to name. However I do know one thing. As soon as I read the basic ideas of Utopia I wanted to move there. I keep wanting to go back to when I was a kid because times were simpler - why not do it? I can't be 10 years old again but I can simplify my life.

Give me your thoughts - I dislike being ruled by technology and money...do you?

Emotion Waves & Skating

2010-06-30T23:25:00.000+10:00

It always shocks me about how quickly emotion can creep up on you. I'm sitting in bed (cause it's FREEZING at the moment), listening to music through my headphones and enjoying a new song "Smile" by Uncle Kracker (which is really good). Suddenly I have this wave of sadness because ice skating used to be everything to me. I'd think about it, write about it, dream about it, fantasise about it, talk about it, watch movies about it and do it of course...then I began study and it faded away, forgotten.

As I write this I am starting to panic. I didn't want it to become a "I used to skate". I don't want to say that. I want to keep saying "I skate". I want to keep doing it because it was the first thing I ever worked at in my whole life. Before skating I was nothing. I didn't stick with anything and the longest I worked at anything was three months. Then I watched Ice Princess, started driving and started skating.

Australia is NOT the best place to be in to skating but I did it, driving for an hour and a half, leaving at 7:30 to be at the rink at 9am on a Saturday morning to take classes with 7 year olds. I competed. In fact the first time I competed two weeks before I was driving home after watching a friend practice her little program in her special dress and suddenly I thought I would literally die if I didn't get to compete too. I couldn't breathe I wanted to do it so much and I'm in tears now because I don't remember what that felt like anymore. I did compete and almost cried on the ice before I began because for the first time in my entire life I was doing something special.

Now it's gone. The one thing I had which made me feel like there was a possibility of something good has been lost and I don't know how to get it back.

My mother says...just go skating...and I supposed technically she is right but it's not the same, it can't be. I'm near a different rink. I can't afford coaching and I can't go home after skating, talking about it for two hours because it makes me so happy.

Damn it things seemed so simple then. I don't think it felt simple but compared to now it was simple. I'd skate and drive home listening to the Ice Princess Soundtrack (a really good soundtrack by the way), tell Mum all about it and be at HOME!

Now I'm here in the city where, even though I've finally finished unpacking, it's not home. Mum is 2000km away and I have lost all of my skating friends. It was the skating. It felt good to stretch, to accomplish something, do learn something no one else I knew could do. But it was also the drive, the singing to the songs, the relating to people who understood what it felt like to glide in a spiral or manage a spin or crash in a jump, however small.

I'm trying not to get negative but it's difficult. Someone once told me that because I'd started late I wouldn't get very far. I SWORE I'd make a liar of him. Swore I'd prove him wrong. Prove that age means nothing, it's all about heart. I don't understand what happened.

I keep coming back to this feeling I'm trying not to let get the better of me. I was getting coaching from a woman I liked very much. She was patient and understanding however just before I began studying I got this feeling she was sick of me somehow. Nothing was ever said but it was hard. I'm not good around people and once I feel that, true or not unfortunately, it's hard for me to forget. I don't like being a burden to people and get mad when I feel I am.

I will go back to skating, even though it tears me to even type that 'going back to'. I miss the skating as well as the driving and other things. I miss competing too, something I never thought would happen. And I'll forget about feelings which are probably wrong anyway. At least I'll try really hard!

Quick after note: Family Guy's 150th Episode was on TV tonight. God I HATE that show. I didn't realise how much until tonight but I really don't like Family Guy. It's sick!

Give me your thoughts - What do you miss? What do you miss about it?

What is the deal?

2010-06-25T00:17:00.002+10:00

Ok...can some please explain to me what the deal is? I am well aware that life isn't like TV and now that I've established that I'd like someone, anyone, to clear up my confusion for me. Whenever someone says...open up, talk to me etc...especially if it's on a public forum such as a radio show (or a blog) they always do...so why don't people respond on here? The best part about this blog is I can go on a rant without worrying about what people will think of me the way I usually do. I'm not telling you to AGREE with me. I'm ASKING you to respond. To give me your opinion, your thoughts, your ideas. I'm saying you can vent at the world here and on the off chance that we are ticked off about the same stuff then we can vent together.

Sometimes I feel like a virus. All these comments on facebook right now about the new female PM that Australia has. My comment was one of the first. Have people replied? No! Do people read this blog? No, apparently not considering I have no subscribers, barely 40 profile views and no comments.

People say "be yourself". This place is as close to me being me as I can get. This blog is 100% me. This world is a bloody contradiction. It doesn't want me to be myself. It want me to conform and be exactly like everyone else. Work insanely hard, party all night, get hammered every week, have sex with everything that moves, study all day, learn at a pace not even Superman could master. Well screw it! I don't do ANY of those things. So excuse me if I don't want to jump in to bed with people, work day and night, forego everything that I enjoy, study all day and get drunk on a regular basis. So sue me!

Please go ahead and sue me for wanting to understand what the hell people are about. I am totally wrong to want community and family and something to think about other than my next purchase or what the Jones' have next door. It is mental of me to want proper friends who could deal with the rants I get to have on here without freaking out and it should be illegal for me to cry when this world just seems to SUX!

I guess that's it. This blog is now and will forever be the only place I can be totally honest. Be me. Because in this world 'me' clearly isn't good enough.

I enjoy cooking, as I may have mentioned - please hate me for repeating myself BTW, and I like things to match. I buy jars for the kitchen items I own. Flour types, different types of sugar, nuts, baking powder, cake decoration sprinkles etc etc. And because I don't have a lot of money I buy maybe one or two a week, going back to places which tend to have the same stock for a while. I've built up quite a collection now and it makes me happy and satisfied to look in my cupboard, know I can make almost anything I want (unless it requires chocolate which gets eaten in 3 seconds) and know I will find it easily and be stored safely with no nasty chemicals.

Well apparently this isn't 'socially acceptable' either. I am SICK and TIRED of being commented on. My weekly/fortnightly purchase of a couple of glass jars have now apparently become a standing joke amongst the shop keepers. Firstly you think they'd be pleased for the repeat business. Secondly...it's none of their God Damn business what and when I buy! I am sooooo tired of having to freaking justify everything I do, feeling like everything I do is wrong somehow. Shit they are bloody glass jars for crying out loud.

Generally in my life I'm a good person. I don't swear too much (although I feel like it right now), I never steal or cheat, I don't talk about people behind their back, I don't listen or spread rumours or gossip, I don't badmouth, and I'll return 5c if you drop it in the street and I see. I'm polite to people, I don't blame workers for bureaucratic decisions I know they have nothing to do with, I help my mother whenever possible, I'm polite to my father even when he is being unbelievably rude to me, I try not to pester teachers, I don't take over common areas of houses, I clean up my own messes, I take care of my car so I don't put lots of pollution into the air and I would NEVER cheat or be a mistress. So why the bloody hell am I broke, lonely, without good friends, thousands of km from family, failing uni and living in a pigsty? What happened to good things happening to good people? TV and books lie to us. They show the person who is good and honest getting the reward but in life that's Bull. It doesn't happen like that. Everyone I know is dishonest in some way or another...well almost everyone...but even so all those dishonest people, the ones who lie and talk about others behind their back and bad mouth...they are the ones who have partners and friends and jobs...so why....

Forget it. I've worked out what I believe now. Nice guys finish last. Bad guys always win and at the end of the day my...life...sux. I guess I'm doomed to send posts into a world which isn't interested, be totally broke, never have real friends I can trust and never fall in love.

Even my family seems to hate me. Well no actually. Hate I can handle. Hate is obvious and gives you something to fight. Being ignored or forgotten is worse. You can't fight that. You sit there, wondering what you did wrong and you never know. I have two step sisters. They forget me. They probably have no idea that I would run naked through parliament on hot coals for the bond they have with each other, to be part of that connection that I will never ever have. My mother is a wanderer. I love her more than anything because she's stuck by me when no one else has. But she is restless. We'd moved more times than I have fingers before I was 12. I've lived at something like 8 different addresses since I was 15. And even now...even after I've spent a decade trying to explain...she still doesn't understand that I want to be close. I HATE TV right now. On TV parents are always sad when their kids move out. Mum kicked me out by association. She rented out our house...our house...my HOME...and moved 2,000km away. She wasn't sad to see me move out for uni. She was glad. I am, and always have been, a burden to her. Finally my father. He is scared and he is angry. I don't know why he is scared but he is angry because I am his only child. He and my step mother couldn't have kids. It devastated them. I disappoint him. He wanted an angel when I was a kid and now he wants...I don't know... grand-kids probably. He's always asking me when I'll get a boyfriend. He doesn't know I'd run through parliament for that too. For love. For passion. For that connection that means that you trust someone with more than your life; you trust them with your soul!

I could write forever. I feel like if I keep on writing it will all become clear. I'll understand why I don't have friends. Have never had friends...not even in primary school. "Just wait until you are out of school." "Uni is better" "I didn't have many friends as a child, wait until you are an adult". When I was 12 those phrases gave me hope. Well now I'm an adult and to write this is so painful I can't breathe. I'm here. Now. Waiting. I have no one. I could sit in this room for a month and no one would know. What does that mean? What does that say about me?

I used to wonder how people wound up homeless. It's my biggest fear actually. I went to a shelter once in the city where some people, all men in this case, slept sometimes. I didn't understand it, being only 12 at the time, how these people's families could allow that to happen. Some I knew were probably estranged, some probably didn't have families but some would have I knew and it shocked me to think that someone could allow their son, daughter, brother, sister, father, mother...to live like that. I still don't understand and it still terrifies me. Without my mother I could be that person. She is the ONLY one who still calls, still keeps in touch, still wants to know I'm Ok.

I have to stop now. If I keep writing I won't stop. But I had to put this. Have to write it down. Remember it. I have to remember that some people do have it worse. I have my mother and she is irreplaceable and wonderful. And you...reading it...you need to know how lucky you are. The quote about friends being more precious than gold is right. Family is too. To have people you can rely on is the most PRECIOUS thing you can ever have. Value them. They are priceless!

If you want to give your thoughts then DO! There is an anonymous option you know!!!

Thoughts Inspired by Army Wives TV Show

2010-06-23T22:58:00.003+10:00

Watching DVD's of Army Wives season 1 tonight. Got me thinking. I'm Australian and my family is totally opposite anything military. I hate violence and I think war is the most useless thing ever as it wastes precious lives...however....

I find comfort in things which are considered acceptable. I know that sounds whack but it's true and I can't admit that to anyone, not even my mother. People tell me "it shouldn't matter what people think" but the thing is it does. And because of that I suspect I would find it incredibly comforting to get married normally, have children and have a husband who was police or military. I envy people who believe in something so strongly they will fight for it. I especially envy those who have faith which is why I sometimes go to church. Not because I do believe in it but because I want to believe in it, in God.

I feel torn in two sometimes. Part of me likes the idea of getting a little farm house, home-schooling my children and getting away from the consumeristic society I live in. The other part of me wants to marry a military guy, go to church and be the good wife, the good mother. I like routine. I like things being predictable. I like knowing my job, my responsibility and I like knowing what's going to happen. Being a military wife I suspect is everything BUT predictable however that doesn't mean I don't want it. In the show the husbands (and some wives) believe in what they are doing so strongly. They rearrange their entire lives to follow what they believe in and I envy that so much.

I don't really believe in anything. I don't really believe in God, I don't really believe in a cause. I like arguing politics but I don't really believe in that either. I don't know what happens when we die. I don't believe that science is everything but I don't know what else there is....I am a non believer and not in a good way.

I wish I could believe in things. I wish I was in love with a military guy because being in love would at least mean I believe in the guy I was in love with. To risk your life for what you believe in is, at the very least, very brave and even if I don't agree that war solves our problems I do believe that.

I don't really know how to believe in things. Part of me I know just wants my life to be simpler. Bake cookies, hold fund-raisers, support those in need whilst their spouses are away...I could do that. I don't know how to do complicated things. Obligation is easier for me. To make new friends is difficult, to socialise because I have to...that's easier.

I'm sure the life of a Military spouse is not easy, and I'm aware that life isn't like TV, but I respect them. To wonder if your loved one is Ok could not be easy however even so I still envy them. Because at the end of the day they know they love their partner and they know that their partner believes in something enough to risk their life and that takes great courage.

Give me your thoughts - What do you believe in? Do you wish you believed in something different, if so why?

Crisis - moving, home, people, values...

2010-06-22T23:17:00.002+10:00

Crisis today. When else do I post? I'm moving (again!) and I saw my new room today. It was horrible. Cold. Dark. It Smelt. And the key didn't work. So I didn't really see my room, just the house. Why do I have to move again? A home is supposed to feel safe. It's supposed to be a place where you don't have to pretend or feel bad about who you are. A home is supposed to be where you go when you want to get away from the world. This place didn't feel like that. It felt like another room. Another potential for people I'll either dislike or (hopefully) like. It felt like another cramped place where I don't fit literally or metaphorically.

Everyday I hope for a place of my own. An apartment. A house. A flat. Some place where I can arrange the kitchen so that when coming home any messes are mine and mine alone. A place so when I clean and go to bed it is clean when I wake up. A place so that when I want to watch TV or eat dinner at the dining table or cook I don't need to worry about what some other people are doing. A place I don't feel like I have to justify every item I own.

When I moved into the room I am in now I spent several days trying to justify everything I owned. "Oh I like to try new things. I like to experiment. I can't take stuff home, our house is being rented out." Now the thing is most of these things were true but that's not why I own a lot of things. I own a lot of things because I've been counting on getting my own place since I was about 18. That isn't a ridiculous thought. I thought it was normal for someone to move out, get their own place, begin working and possibly begin studying. Now it's almost a decade later and I'm still living out of one room. Cramming more and more into a space which is, in effect, designed for a teenager who doesn't own anything except clothes and make-up.

I'm not a teenager. I wish I was. Life would be simpler. Living here would be less hard if I were a teenager. But I'm not. I don't really want to go home, even if our house wasn't being rented. I want my own place. A place I can be me and no one else.

I watched Julie and Julia tonight. Like both Julie and Julia I love to cook. I too love butter and like Julie I too am keeping a blog. That's where the similarities end. They loved French food, I like Italian. I like cream more than butter and I love cooking desserts more than anything else.

My very first Pavlova worked beautifully. I've baked bread and profiteroles. I've make pasta and pizza and rolled Sushi. I could live on salmon and tuna all day if I could afford it and so you can see I'm not really like Julie or Julia except for one thing...I love food. In the movie the character of Julie speaks of how knowing that adding eggs to a dish and getting a certain outcome is comforting after a day of uncertainties. I certainly agree with that. Cooking, no matter how much I mess it up makes sense. If it doesn't work out it's something I know I've done wrong. There are variables of course but that isn't the point. Like Julie I find great comfort in the certainties which come from cooking. For example this evening I cooked chicken in butter, potatoes mashed with cream and vegetables. So simple and yet so tasty. Food is and should be a pleasure!

Last night I was writing a story. I do that a lot. I have hundreds if not thousands of pages of stories I've written over the last 5 years. No 6 years. This particular story however is slightly different. 90% of my stories are diary-like. They are written to express things I've felt or wanted to feel. This one however was created for a different purpose and as such has a different feel to it.

The story itself is about a girl called Sophia who time travels unexpectedly back in time to a country before modern technology took over. Now the country itself, although on Earth, is made up. Think Australia before the British got here but with different plants and animals and a completely different culture. However the culture of people she encounters are a sort of cross between the Navi from the movie Avatar and the Aboriginal people. They live off the land, lightly farming, hunting and gathering to eat. They sing and dance as part of a group and move about once a year or every two years when the land looks like it needs a rest.

The character of Sophie wants to go home. I think she will get there eventually although the thing with writing is I don't know how yet. Me on the other hand...I want to go there. I would trade with her in a millisecond. I feel more and more overwhelmed by the modern lifestyle. The people she is staying with and learning to survive from live with a very light footprint. They live, work and eat as a group. They are fair and understanding and don't waste or harm unnecessarily. That's how I want to live.

Most people I even mention fraction ideas of this to think I'm either quirky or crazy. I pray sometimes (even though I'm not much or a praying person) that one day I'll find some people who feel the same. People who watched "Consuming Kids: The Commercialization of Childhood" with the same amount of disgust and horror as I did. People who didn't just wish it wasn't like that but plan to live differently. I've begun to since I saw that. A world without proper children and a life without a proper childhood isn't a world I want to be a part of.

I'm old fashioned. I like books and sewing. I like to cook good, tasty food which isn't full of chemicals and preservatives. I found out there was added sugar in my cream recently and that to me signals everything wrong with the modern world. To add sugar to something which already is a)unhealthy and b)tasty on its own is crazy.

I have this ridiculous fantasy. All the time I see people creating religions on TV where one person gets their head full of power. I don't want that. However I love the idea of buying a large area of land with some people, putting up some simple huts and living off the land together. Growing our own food. Owning chickens and cows. Eating together, singing, reading, playing music, drumming, dancing....

It's crazy I'm sure but I can't help it. The more I look around the more I'm sure I don't want to do what most of the people around me are doing. My cooking is my escape, my way of finding something in the world which does make sense sometimes.

I dream of finding a partner who feels the same way. Someone who will stand by me when I say I'd rather make my own marshmallows and blackberry wine than buy it. Someone who will support me when I say I'd rather home-school my children (when I eventually have them of course) than send them to public school.

There was an ad on TV recently about violence and several bullying among girls at school. I watched the ad with confusion not because I want to know why the girls were violent but because I don't get how people don't know why they were violent. Every day we are bombarded with images and ideas. War, fear of being too fat, too thin, too brown, not tanned enough, the wrong religion, the wrong height, the wrong hair colour, wearing the wrong clothes, wearing too little, wearing too much, not getting into a good school, not playing enough, not working enough....then we show them TV shows like CSI, NCIS, Underbelly, Real Crimes, True CSI. We tell them they are unsafe, uncool, too smart, too dumb...and it goes on. After all of that of course children and teens are scared and violent. They don't get given anything positive because it all has an underlying message.

When I was little I watched a cartoon after school and I read Enid Blyton. I would like to tell you about my encounters with them again.

I recently came across my Enid Blyton books and shortly after reading them I found a review. The review trashed the books, saying they were without real character development and encouraged smoking. Firstly the book was published in the 1940's. Secondly it was aimed at children of around 7-10 years old. Character development...most children then probably couldn't even read that, let alone know what it meant, let alone identify it. We should lay off kids. So much is expected of them these days and I feel sorry for them considering the constant pressure. At least two or three generations grew up on Enid Blyton. I've never smoked in my life and never even noticed it being referred to in the book.

Now to the cartoon. The cartoon, known as 'The Animals of Farthing Wood' was a British cartoon about some animals whose home, Farthing Wood, is being destroyed by humans. They decide to journey to a nature reserve and that is what the first season is about. I LOVED this cartoon. Living in Australia it introduced me to different animals and had a wonderfully real feel to it. It didn't beat about the bush, with some of the animals being killed, but didn't glorify it either. There were no graphic deaths (with sounds indicating one of the bird characters being shot) however it had a underlying educational scent, although I never noticed that as a child.

I realise I have just contradicted myself however both the books I read and the cartoons I watched helped me see the world differently. I am not sorry about this. It is because of Enid Blyton, The Animals of Farthing Wood and even Captain Planet that I care about how we as humans treat this planet and each other. And it is remembering these messages of peace and care that I am sad now that no one else seems to remember as well.

Perhaps you do. Perhaps as you read this, whoever you are, you remember things which made you feel the same way. Perhaps you read Enid Blyton, watched cartoons or listened to music which means you understand me now. I hope so. I hope I'm not the only one sad that we don't seem to care for each other any more. I believe we must learn from and remember our past. Only doing that can we find what we need in our lives today. I need my own place out of the city; what do you need....?

Give me your thoughts - Do you feel the same? What do you need in your life to make you truly happy? Can you honestly say that you are happy with how humans treat each other and the planet? What changes can you make in your life which will help you and those around you?

I HATE technology!!!

2010-06-13T20:39:00.003+10:00

Ok. It's official. I hate technology. And I'm way too crabby to be eloquent so I'm just going say WHY I hate techonlogy instead!

Touchscreen phones. Touchscreen phones should be banned for life and their creators hung drawn and quartered! It doesn't help that I have the crappiest touchscreen phone known to man. NOTE: Do NOT EVER, EVER, EVER buy an LG touchscreen!
3G vs 2G sim cards. Australia is held ransom by mobile phone companies. They lure us in, lie to us and then lock us to horrible 24 month contracts. And god forbid if you want to put in a different sim card. "Normal" sim cards (or ANYTHING prepaid) don't work in some phones. 3G sim cards don't work in any phone that isn't 3G and even contract phones are locked. Just get it unlocked...I hear you say. Oh if only it were that simple. To unlock it you have to call from...you guessed it a different phone. FYI I only have ONE phone. I live in a house with no landline. So I CAN'T call from a different phone.
Locked phones. Australia has about 4-6 main mobile phone companies. Telstra, Optus, 3, Virgin and Vodaphone. All SUX! Telstra, which has the best coverage generally, is the WORST deal ever. 3, Virgin and Vodaphone have decent-ish call rates. However to buy a phone you have to a) give up your whole life as proof of who you are and b)promise to never use a different network again. The problem is that the phone you want might be sold through Optus. The phone network you and your friends are on might be Vodaphone or Virgin. Can you use the phone? No! It's locked to Optus and to unlock they con you in to handing over almost another $100.
Computer code. Had an exam recently. It was for a computer programming class. Now you'd think that a computer programming exam would take place with a computer. Not so! We had to handwrite our code. Yes Handwrite it! I would seriously like to shoot the brainiac who came up with that idea.
Websites which require logins. The guestbook is dead. It has instead been replaced by the log-in. EVERY single bloody website requires you to login. And sign up. And give copious amounts of details. And confirm the sign up. And choose a fancy password. And a fancy username. "No the username can't be remotely like your email; yes that username is free...oh wait it's not; yes I'll give you a box to leave comments but to click submit you have to sign up and log-in..." etc etc etc.
Software. Recently someone bought me a lovely present. A netbook. "Great" I thought. Except it's not. It's cute sure but it has Windows 7 - the biggest piece of false advertising I've ever seen! It has no 'home' or 'end' keys. It has no CD drive. I can't install the software I've alright bought (because it's all on CD). I can't create it's OS backup (because I requires...you guessed it...a CD drive!) and I can't use my existing headset for skype chats because it only has 1 jack for some fancy-ass headset. If it wasn't a present I think I'd burn it!
DVD region codes. I think I've griped about these before but if I haven't then don't worry. I will now. DVD's are only usable in a certain player. Each has a region code. If you don't have an unlocked computer/DVD player then you are screwed. Living in Australia 90% of the movies I like are....American. America is region 1. We are region 4. I can't buy off ebay or amazon or overseas. I can't get my favourite movies and I can't watch things on my laptop even when I can get them. DVD region codes are tied for top place in the top ten worst inventions of modern history (tied with touch screen phones).
Light and sound pollution. NOTHING is quiet or dark anymore. I live in a complex with SEVEN others. Yes SEVEN. I have the smallest room known to man. My room is never quiet and it's never dark. Because I live with seven others I have a small fridge; it hums all night and so it's never quiet. Because the unit/house is part of a complex there are security lights everywhere so it's never dark. My set topbox (see gripe no9) has a light when it's off!!! My housemates NEVER turn off the lights (and NEVER EVER clean the kitchen either). I would do just about anything to be about 50km from the nearest town so that when I go to bed the only light is moonlight and the only sound are owls and the occassional frog/bird.
Digital TV. Australia is trying to be 'modern'. Apparently in order to be modern you must buy as many unnecessary appliance as possible. The latest is 3D tv (something I catagorically refuse to encounter) however before that there was Digital TV. Analogue TV, whilst not fancy, worked. When you lost, say 10%, reception the signal was fuzzy but quite viewable. Now if you lose 10% reception the entire screen freezes with little boxes and flickers more than christmas lights. Not only that but in order to GET digital TV (and soon ANY type of TV) you have to either trade up to the newest, biggest, fanciest, most expensive TV you can find or fork out over $100 for a 'set-top-box'. However both of these solutions require money (which I don't have) and neither allow normal, standard TV recording. It used to be simple. Buy a video tape, set up the VCR to tape every night at 6pm (The Simpsons :D), go off on holiday and providing there was no blackout you'd come back to some neatly recorded programs. No longer. In order to record now, essential if you want to record on more than one channel, you have to buy a DVR, a storage box, ensure you get digital signal, make sure you either have lots of external memory or a way to transfer the data to a computer to burn it. It is no longer cheap nor simple.
Non-necessary electronics. ie. Electronics salt and pepper grinders. They are so useless. We are SO lazy. What is wrong with manual ones????

So that is my gripe list of technology. I'd like to point out that YouTube is NOT on that list. I love youtube. Youtube is a wonderful walk down nostalgia lane and I have many things tagged on a nostalgia playlist from when I was a child. Although it does require you to sign-up in order to comment which causes it to lose a few points.

I could however add many things to this list which aren't technology related.

I hate the fact that there is salt/sugar/preservatives/fat added to everything.
I hate the fact that everything is wrapped in neat little packages. If I wanted fresh rosemary in plastic I'd put it there myself. It sickens me to think that in this day and age of trying to be MORE environmentally friendly that we put more and more stuff wrapped in plastic. These days I buy more wrappings than I do food!

Well those are my grips for today (because I won't use 2 more hours of typing complaining about LATIN! Grrr!) and so I'm gonna sign off.

Give me your thoughts - What things tick you off? Are they technologically related?

2010-05-23T23:52:00.002+10:00

Weird few weeks at the moment. That's why this post has no title. I have no idea what to put because there isn't one thing going on, there's several.

Signed up to a dating website today. Feels pathetic because who can't get a date these days right? But it's my last hope - at least it feels that way - I haven't had a real date...well ever actually. I have had a couple of boyfriends but not seriously and they were all before I actually knew what a real date was. I dream of dates. A real "would you like to join me for coffee" date. I'm not necessarily talking 5 star restaurant but just old fashioned interest without the guy expecting me to make the first move or be clairvoyant. I feel like I'm expected to be either clairvoyant these days or do it all myself. But here's the problem. I find boldness attractive and I find being expected to do everything totally unattractive.

Next...recently I've begun hating TV. This is hard. I don't want to hate TV. I like TV. TV gets me through the hard times and keeps me company when I'm doing something awful or boring...like studying Latin. But the inevitible has begun. Until now reality TV ruled our lives but there was still decent quality programming out there. Now it's officially dead. Every week I see a new reality show being pushed at us. They took off V to put on "families of crime". UGH! And now even the news has descended in to chaos and insanity, putting people's private lives up and calling it news. That's not news, it's invasion of privacy.

Next there is my study. I am studying Latin. I've waited 15 years to study Latin. It wasn't offered at my school and so it was my first pick of subjects here. Well congratulations Uni...you've managed to make me officially HATE Latin! I'm failing it. I spend hour after hour on it, learning nouns and verbs and adjectives and trying to translate sentences and words and I get nowhere. I've spent countless hours studying, working, getting help from my Mum with the grammar and nothing. I still don't understand it and I don't see either help or it getting better.

Finally...I've spent the last several months...actually almost a year now...trying to shop more ethically. I've never been one to like putting chemicals into my body and since I started study again I've become much more aware of what goes in to the products we all use every day. I've cut back to makeup and skin products which aren't tested on animals, begun using fresh produce in my cooking and even started making my own pasta sauce instead of buying it for when I eat Nachos. Well my latest gripe is on candles. Whilst researching how to make them, just because I like to try a little bit of everything, and during this research I discovered that cheap candles are made of Parafin wax. A wax which releases toxic chemicals when burned. EW EW EW. I LOVE candles. I've been known to fill my bedroom with them and discovered once you can literally heat a room with candles. Now I'm turned off the cheap ones for life. And instead of making my own becoming a hobby it's now become a necessity. Not that I mind, as I said I like trying a bit of everything, I just can't believe that something I believed was alright is toxic. Something as lovely and harmless as a candle.

All of this makes me feel like something is very wrong with this world. I look around and I see people's lives becoming public domain for humiliation. I see people putting chemicals in things that don't need it like candles and garlic paste. I see people cheating themselves and each other and it all makes me sad. It feel sad that we've lost the basic instincts and knowledge that made us survive. Now instead of getting what we need with knowledge and logic we synthesize it. Ew! I'm sure I'm not the only one concerned about that. Since when is nothing natural?

It's late and I have...surprise surprise...Latin class in the morning so for now I'm signing off but I'd love some replies. I'd like to know I'm not sending these comments into a giant void to have them lost forever. Are you really there?

Give me your thoughts - Do the things in this world concern you too?

Children & Babies

2010-05-12T23:24:00.001+10:00

TV at the moment seems to be going through a baby obsession. In less than a week they've aired Knocked Up and Juno and to be totally honest it's torture. I'm female and I'm getting to that point in my life where I start to think about having kids. The problem is I haven't had a date in about 5 years (Aussie guys don't date they get drunk), I'm not seeing anyone, I haven't had sex and I'm a first year student at Uni. Not exactly conducive to having a baby.

I was just watching this clip on YouTube and this woman is giving birth and I start to cry. Of course it didn't help that the song on the clip, which is mostly a series of pics, is that kind of song but still. I've been thinking about children recently, as I do every so often, and it's hard to think about something that practically I know would be the dumbest idea ever. In 4-5 years I might be better suited but right now it would be irresponsible to have a baby and I'm not even seriously planning it...but that doesn't stop me wanting one.

A child, each and every one of them, is a miracle. The movie Mom at 16 got it right when at the end a character says "it's the worlds way of saying the human race should continue". Each and every child born is an extraordinary event. If you watch The Human Body series (from the BBC) then you will know what has to happen, all the little things that have to line up, for every one of us to be here.

I know a woman who couldn't have children and it devastated her and her husband. I'm not generally the praying kind but I'll admit that I pray, often that I can have a child one day. I know I'm not ready now but someday I definitely want to be a parent and experience pregnancy and childbirth.

I guess the recent spate of movies is connected with Mother's Day and I guess I'm not the only one who watches babies, the care of them, and child birth in awe. I think it's important that we remember what a miracle it is each time someone gives birth. We need to treasure that. Not just the parents, as they usually do, but the world. All children are precious gems and they are priceless! I feel like saying something really profound but I can't think of anything so instead I'll say congratulations to all parents either new, old or pending.

Give me your thoughts - Does childbirth bring up things for you? If you are a parent did you actually feel ready?

Wandering loved ones - slowing down

2010-04-19T23:01:00.001+10:00

I've been thinking a lot recently the pace of my life and where it's going. I'm sure that's not a unique thought and I'm not feeling alone in these thoughts, for a rare moment, however what's set this off is two things. Firsly I've moved, again, without wanting to and secondly a person who has been major in my life has gone off on a long trip. Now I know that I can talk to them and phone and email etc...but it's not the same. I miss them a lot. I miss not being able to talk to them all the time and see them.

I'm forcing myself not to miss them because if a stop...even for a moment...I'll fall apart and realise how long 7-8 months (as a minimum) is. The longest time I've been away from this person is 3 months. I was emailing them a song today called "Turning it Over" by Meg Christian and there is a lyrics which says "I'm afraid of my freedom but my running days are done" and I wait for the day when this person says that to me. They are a restless soul who is always running and I hope that one day they don't need to run anymore.

Personally I'm having trouble dealing with the instability. I'm a home-body. I don't like travel. I don't like parties. I don't like going even a couple of hours drive from my home, even if it's from one home to another (uni-home to home-home). Moving has made their leaving twice as hard because I was starting to feel that my room, my housemates, was a home and now it's gone; ripped away without a care.

Part of what I've been doing in the last few days is going slow. That is hard in this mad-rush-about world we live in but I've forced it out of necessity. That's what I do sometimes. I wish I could live simply. Spinning thread, weaving, gardening, looking after animals, cooking, reading...it would be nice to live day-to-day for a while. I've never been one for the rat-race but in the last few years I've pulled away from it even more. Even the study rat-race isn't really appealing. I mean I want to do well but the 'must be first' motivation is gone.

...listening to the song. WISHING that the person I mentioned would tell me their wandering days were over. I know I can't say that to the person. It would be cruel because they NEED this journey. But it's hard not to hate that need. I could never hate them but I hate their constant desire to wander. I miss them...a lot!

Give me your thoughts - Do you wish you could slow down? Are you suited to the rat-race? Are you a wanderer or a home-body? Why? Do you wish someone would stop wandering?

Moving and Friends

2010-03-31T01:08:00.001+11:00

Recently I was told I had to move. I'm currently living at University and thanks to damage I have to move. Now the way I, and my housemates, were told about this sux. We were sent an email late one evening which was two lines. Paraphrased it said "by the way, there is damage to your unit so you have to move". No when, where, how, who would be with whom - nothing.

Over the next two days I had classes all day. The timing couldn't have been worse because the email came late Wednesday evening and Thursday and Friday are my busiest class days. However thanks to my housemates more information emerged. The damage was to the unit next door and we would have to move by the end of our mid semester break. The rumour for two days was that we would be able to stay together - this has not happened.

For me this especially sux. I've lived here a year already. I've had 10 housemates in a year and a bit, I've met new people, which I hate doing, and I've adjusted to study, to living on my own and to my home-life being disrupted once again. My mother has the habit of moving house and so I enjoyed feeling like I was stable for a change. I've tried to turn my room in to something cosy and safe and have, for the first time in about 5 years, begun making new friends with two of my new housemates this year. I don't make friends easily. I'm not someone who socialises a lot and tend to be quite quirky which most people find...I'm not sure...disturbing? Unappealing? Scary? Who knows. The point is I hate meeting new people and making friends is hard.

But I was doing it. And I've been proud. I've been making friends with two of my new housemates and even was persuaded to go to the university bar (which for me is a miracle). Now...it's gone. They are gone. In less than a week the Uni Accommodation Admin office has ripped any chances away, taken away a home and replaced it with four walls and a ceiling, not even having the decency to apologise. They've upended and disrupted us in the middle of a semester with no idea of the impact that has and we can do nothing.

My biggest problem however is not about the fact that I have no rights, being helpless and frustrated. My problem is the fact that I feel completely, totally and utterly CRUSHED. I'm used to fighting. I'm used to trying hard ALL the time. Censoring EVERYTHING I do in order to try and fit in with a world, a social structure, and a culture I don't believe in. I try to be upbeat, positive, not swear, not do embarrassing things; not hurt people, lie, gossip, talk behind their backs. I try to be helpful, generous and kind. Now it doesn't feel worth it. Being generous has only gotten my stuff broken or wrecked and my money wasted, being kind has gotten me walked on. Not swearing or gossiping means I have nothing in common with the people around me and being helpful has gotten me taken advantage of.

So now what? Maybe I'm just not meant to have friends. I don't know but that's how I feel. Just when I was getting brave again, just as I was thinking maybe, just maybe I can make new friends who don't try to change me - now they are taken away and right now my mind is in conspiracy mode. Like what if instead of asking to be kept together when we are moved, as I believe, they asked specifically to be separated? It sound crazy I know but that's what my mind goes back to. I don't trust people easily. I don't date much for this reason (apart from the fact that Aussie guys wouldn't know a date if they tripped over one - a bar/club is not a date) and my mind is very good at thinking up stories like that.

Once again I'm rambling but that's what this blog is for. A chance to get my mind out of the circle it's in and in to some kind of order. I don't know what the answer is. I have no way of knowing if my paranoid questions are real and to be honest I don't want to know. All I can say is I'm tired of this 'race'. It feels like a rat race, a race to try and be someone I'm just not in order to connect with people. I'm tired of the working, so hard, all the time, just to try and be liked.

Give me your thoughts - Do you censor yourself? Or have you found that you didn't need to? Should I be censoring myself or should I just allow the fact that I talk to much, occasionally act like a 5 year old and don't drink to be who I am and say to everyone 'tough' when they don't like that? Or should I just give up on the idea of having real friends altogether - because I have to do something, I'm tired of fighting everything, all the time!

Money

2010-03-08T22:10:00.003+11:00

Long day! Today I had my Latin class, which I began a couple of weeks ago, paid for various car things and spent a lot of time waiting in line. I had two washing machines and a dyer eat my money in the laundry, someone touched my stuff (which really ticks me off!), a got some new narrow leg jeans and changed my bed sheets.

Now that the boring, mundane stuff is out of the way I can get on to the interesting stuff. Whilst I was eating lunch, dinner, in between washing and whilst making my bed I watched parts 1, 2 and 3 of "Addicted to Money" a 3 part series on the ABC which aired a while back but I hadn't watched until now. Now whilst I felt that the guy kind of over-did the dramatisation I've seen some amazing things. None more incredible that his explanation of a Trillion Dollars. We hear this talked about quite a bit but don't ever think about how much that really is. One Trillion Dollars has 12 0's after it. That is: 1 000 000 000 000! Apparently you'd have to spend 1 MILLION dollars every day for over 2,000 days to spend 1 trillion dollars. 2,000 days is about 6-7 years!!! And this is the amount of money lost during the financial crisis!

However that isn't even what gets to me. What gets me is the blazae attitude that politicians, bankers, and even the public, has taken. Most money in the world is imaginary. It is a bunch of figures on a computer and most of it doesn't even have a home anymore. Globalisation has caused so much financial trade that we don't know where our money comes from and where it goes. It astounds me that more care is not taken and I reckon that people are amazingly naive if they think that it's all happened and is over.

I suspect that we are headed for major changes in the next few years. According to the documentary we've been living on credit, not just as a person or even as a nation but as a global community. We cannot continue in this way and I would even go so far as to say that we are living on credit not just in terms of finances. We all know that something big is happening to the planet. So what do we do now?

I personally feel like something in the world is very, very wrong. We exploit children, we live beyond our means, we trash our home, we are rude, smug, insulting, violent, condescending and selfish. We seem to care little for others, we live off credit and gossip and we trash people who are simply trying to do their jobs.

Some of you may think I'm over dramatising but let me be clear. I am not talking about every single person being all these things. There are wonderful, kind, generous, loving people in the world too but they are rare gems. Let's face it most of us don't just get over it. Let the person with one item ahead of you at the shops, allow someone into your lane on the road, save for our future, live within our means, take care of the planet....I try but I don't succeed all the time. It's hard. But what will be the cost of we fail?

Give me your thoughts - Do you think we over spend? If so do you think we can change?

Panicking

2010-02-19T23:23:00.001+11:00

Suddenly I'm freaking out. After a long day trying to choose subjects I've suddenly begun to panic. It started because I watched the 3rd edition of the cutting edge and I'm listening to two songs I like very much. I love to skate but haven't done it much in the past year. I'll get to why later. However suddenly I'm sitting here, missing skating more than words in English can describe and this thought pops into my head. "I don't know where I am." Now I don't mean my location. I mean me. The person who appears when skating feels good. The person who sits in the car when I'm alone and singing to my iPod through the car speakers. I can't find them. I don't know where they are, who they are. I used to think I knew. A long time ago, back when I would read when I was little. When I was in high school and I was in Choir I knew, when I skated before I started study and it all got lost...I knew then too. But now I don't.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in the middle of a desert. And I'm totally alone and there isn't anyone. Not a person, not an animal, not an oasis. I don't feel hot. Or cold. Or anything really. Just totally alone.

Part of me wants to go into something philosophical, because it's easier, ask if this is it? If I'm missing something? Ask how I'm supposed to find it when there are so many other things we're supposed to do in life. However I don't want to...or part of me doesn't. It's easy for me to go in to questions but I'm tired of questions. I'm tired of waiting.

Being in to music I love songs from all places. I saw the Camp Rock movie and the song at the end "This Is Me" has the lyrics:

Do you know what it's like
To feel so in the dark
To dream about a life
Where you're the shining star

I dream of that. Every day. I feel like there is this big part of me that is always hidden. Always out of reach. Sometimes, just sometimes I feel like I can hold it but then it's gone and I'm left feeling like...well like I do now, like I don't know who I am.

Now I will be philosophical because I don't want to end this post on a down note. I feel like I should explain...I do things in my life I enjoy just like everyone else. I do enjoy my study, I have a family, a really supportive mother etc but that doesn't change the fact that I feel like I'm supposed to be doing more with my life.

Give me your thoughts - Do you feel lost sometimes? Do you feel like you should be doing more with your life? And I don't mean the 'I should be the boss' stuff but the deeper stuff that you don't understand. Did you figure it out?

Not fond of technology

2010-02-15T22:00:00.000+11:00

Today my gripe topic is technology. Yesterday someone read a response letter in the newspaper to an article about e-readers, for example the kindle, They asked the readers where they should charge their e-reader whilst on a trip to out-back snow country. I laughed of course however part of me didn't find it funny, I found it sad.

Several months ago I watched the TV special "The Commercialization of Children" (which is available on YouTube at the moment of this post). It scared me. Not 'scared of a spider' scared but just creeped me out. I'm a bit of a split personality when it comes to technology because part of me loves the gadgets, the webcams, the USB hubs shaped like a TARDIS etc etc. However the other part of me envies the characters in "The Good Life" a very old BBC series about a couple who go off the grid and live off their yard, some animals and their brains. It was made in the 70's and still makes sense now.

So what? Do we give up the technology? Do we continue the way we are going, making even the unnecessary things electronic? I don't have the answer but I have to admit that often the lack of technology would be very nice. I remember when I was a little kid and it rained my mother would take me outside and we would jump in puddles on a walk and them comeback and each hot chocolate. We don't do that anymore. When it rains I turn on my laptop, furiously backing up files in case it crashes. I don't remember the last time when I wasn't aware of this impending Data Doom!

Frankly I'm sick of it. I'm sick of worrying if my data will be there in the morning. How much a repair will cost me, how much I'd lose, how I must back up some files at least 3 times just to be sure. Pens cost about 1000th of a computer and can write thousands of words. No backing up required.

Goodness knows what the solution is but I personally am sick of relying on electricity and technology, especially when most of the time it doesn't even work. Now I realise it is highly ironic to post that on a blog but it's true. And I'm going to try and minimise the amount I rely on technology...in fact come to think of it if I wasn't in house with too many smoke detectors I'd live by candlelight...bring on Earth Hour!

Give me your thoughts - Do you feel weighed down by technology? Do you think we over-use it? Or do you simply love the fun/convenience?

The Slow Experiment Continues

2010-02-08T22:23:00.000+11:00

I've just finished a full 24 hours of trying to slow myself down and I've realised two things. First of all this is going to be a lot more difficult than I thought. I managed to not frantically rush around but the deliberately slow pace vanished almost as soon as I left the house.

Secondly I did not realise what an impact this would have on others. I rang my Mother this morning and found it extremely difficult to keep our conversation slow. In fact she thought I was upset until I explained I just didn't want to rush about.

I have however noticed a difference already. I did not get frustrated when I had to wait at the bank and instead ducked next door, whilst I waited for them to call my ticket number, and saw some very beautiful animals in the pet-shop. The orange budgies were amazing! I also noticed a difference when I had to wait 20 minutes to get the bus home and the time neither flew nor dragged.

Unfortunately some of the slow, deliberate pace wore off as the day progressed but I will try again tomorrow. Already I've noticed I feel less stressed, and considering that my LOOONNNGGG academic year is finally over for two weeks, after some extremely stressful weeks, I am glad to feel a bit lighter. I hope to make more progress over the next week because keeping this up, particularly when I go home and then go back to study will be the real challenge.

Give me your thoughts - Do you act differently around your family vs your friends vs when you are alone? Why? Do you like the changes?

Slow things down - let's begin

2010-02-07T23:17:00.000+11:00

I have made a decision. Thanks to Avatar, the movie, and a thought I had recently I have decided to put my theory about life in modern times into practice. My theory has always been about two key things in life. Firstly I believe that we spend our entire lives trying to find a balance in this world. I believe that babies are born with perfect balance, and I do not mean with standing but in terms of what they live, and as we age we lose that balance, only to spend the rest of our lives trying to get it back. Secondly I think we move too fast in our modern times. Time was that we would move slowly because that was the only way. Now everything is done faster and faster.

I am not naturally a fast person. I have had trouble with jobs because I move too slowly and I do not enjoy feeling like I am always rushing to get somewhere or do something. To that end I have made a decision...I am going to deliberately slow things down in my life. I am going to do things, as my mother described it once, mindfully. I am going to take my time doing the things I enjoy and I am also going to observe and document how it changes me.

As a starting point I am someone who frustrates easily. I also dislike feeling rushed, such as at the checkout and I am still trying to put my change away and pick up my shopping bag whilst the server has moved on to the next customer. I'm going to ignore that. I am going to walk more slowly, read more slowly, think more slowly.

There will have to be two main exceptions. Firstly I am at Uni and so any exams will have to be done at a reasonable pace to avoid failing them. And also although I will make every effort, on top of my usual effort, to slow down on the roads I cannot drive at 50km/hour when the limit is 90. I always adhere to speed limits of course and will be extra vigilant about this. However I do not wish to cause Road Rage in other drivers or cause road hazards.

I will be interested to see how this makes me feel. Already typing this post I have had to concentrate to stop my typing from climbing to its usual, frantic speed. However that is the point. I am tired of always feeling frantic and I think this will be both rewarding and challenging. On the bright side in the last hour, since I made this choice I have done my teeth more thoroughly than I have ever done in my life because I took my time and did not scold myself for taking longer.

I will be posting my progress as I go on this blog so stay tuned.

Give me your thoughts - Are you tired of the frantic pace? Wish me luck and if you try this let me know how you go.

Avatar Movie

2010-01-11T23:11:00.004+11:00

Tonight I went to see Avatar. What an incredibly diverse range of talent, storyline, colour and imagination. What I wouldn't give for an hour alone with the person who dreamt that all up! In case you couldn't tell I loved it, even though I spend about half of it both in tears and holding my breath.

I loved the amazing imagination of the creatures and the plants. There is no spoiler telling you about the incredible creature which twirled like a helicopter with a single spinning 'wing' of fiery red.

However what has really set my mind going was the incredible metaphor. I've heard through the grapevine that this movie has set young people, around the tween age, toward environmental causes. Now I have no doubt that children see the world differently to adults. Our world, I believe, begins large because they see everything. As we age our prejudices and judgement, expectations and assumptions begin to narrow our vision. Children do not have this problem. I believe that this movie gives us a glimpse of how our own planet works. The energy of it's living creatures, the connections between us and our planet and the effect we have. According to the movie all energy is a loan; at some point we must give it back. I believe that Avatar attempted to put what we should know and feel instinctively in to a visual representation so we could see it.

Personally I came out of this movie hating my race. Humans cause a lot of destruction and whilst I will not give spoilers you don't have to just watch Avatar to know this. Simply watch the news each night or a road being widened. Now I am aware, and I try to remember, that not everyone is the same. There are many precious, generous, kind, thoughtful, passionate people who do not destroy. I am also aware that there is the necessary balance of yin and yang, heaven and hell, good and bad. What disturbs me is the sense that we are not in balance.

A few months back I realised what I saw was my answer to the meaning of life. I believe that on the simplest level our challenge in our lifetime is to find balance. No complicated lessons, not messy goals. Just balance. Now that sounds simple but imagine this with the metaphor of a sharpened pencil. According to science everything has a centre of gravity, a balance. Now in a sharpened pencil it is very hard to find that centre but that doesn't mean it's not there. I believe a balance can be achieved. I'd like to see us begin to find that balance, as a race not as individuals, sometime in my lifetime but the fact is that humans aren't very good at balance. We tend to swing wildly from one thing to another, barely touching on the centre that I believe is the key.

I hope I'm wrong. I see people trying to find that balance, as I do every day, and I see some succeed and some fail. I fail regularly. But I hope that we can all search for, and someday all find, the balance in our lives and our world. Becuase until we do I don't think we will even begin to comprehend the impact we have on ourselves, each other and our home.

One quick afterthought. Today is what I call a binary day. 11/1/10. If you think about it binary is in perfect balance. There are only two which seems to digitally represent the yin and yang of life. A binary day is a special occasion, only happening 9 times in 4 years of any thousand years.

Give me your thoughts - Do you struggle in the search for balance? Do you feel that balance is the key or is it something else?

The Mid 20's sux!

2010-01-08T00:02:00.004+11:00

Ok. I officially hate being an adult. I especially hate being in my 20's. As per my policy I won't tell you my exact age but I can assure you I'm over 20 and under 30.

I recently came back to my pet hate about this age. Everything is aimed at KIDS! It drives me crazy. I'm not 16 so I can't do the kid or teen classes. I'm not 30 so my insurance costs a FORTUNE and I'm not elderly so there aren't special groups. Someone please explain just exactly what I'm supposed to do with my life at this age? Have kids? Get drunk? Party all night? Work all day?? Call me crazy but that really doesn't sound like fun! I want to learn new things. Try things I didn't have the discipline for at 16. Music, dance and even gymnastics. Yes I want to try gymnastics and ballet in my 20's, is that illegal? Should I be banned from it?

So I get online and aside from the irritating habit of Google turning up a town from a totally different state dozens of matches come up. Except there is one major problem....EVERYTHING is directed a kids. Under 10's, those over 5, teenagers, those under 20...the list goes on. NOTHING is for adults.

The most frustrating part is that I eventually came up with links for adults. All private lessons. Now I'm not sure about other students but I'm broke. Dismally and totally broke. Especially considering that my car insurance will remain stupidly expensive until I turn 30. All things considered if I had the money to spend $30+ on private lessons I probably wouldn't be living in student accommodation.

So now what??? Can someone PLEASE tell me what the solution is? There must have been some other person on this planet, even perhaps in Australia, who didn't want to stop learning and trying new things when they finished High School. If you are out there tell me what you did? I still want to learn new things and without giving up study to work so I can afford private lessons I'm out of options (and really wanting to avoid going to classes for 10 year olds!).

Seriously though why is this the case? In the list of things I don't understand this is at the top of the list. I honestly don't get what I'm supposed to do with my time. Why is it that everything structured (apart from Uni) is for teens and kids. Camps, summer music programs, computer school challenges, the Rock Eisteddfod...it's all for teens. So what do adults do? Are we not supposed to be interested or is everyone else handed the 'guide to being 20' when they leave school and I missed out? Am I honestly the only one who still wants to try new things? No offence intended (seriously!) but I don't want to hang out with 40 year olds and older people. In some cases I do but not all the time. I do however want to try new classes. Tennis perhaps, or camps where you can do rope courses or archery. Does no one else want to challenge themselves or is the only challenge people aim for a drinking challenge? Or is it that we're expected to know how to play music and dance and stuff and just do concerts?

Now I will enter my second gripe of the week. The few things I can find, and some sound like fun, everything is on a Monday! Now I won't even go in to the fact that my show, Stargate Universe, is supposed to be on Mondays because stupid, annoying, frustrating Channel 10 cut it off after 3 episodes. All I will say is that we CAN do things on other days of the week!

As usual I could rant about this for ages but considering I have class tomorrow (yes I'm on a cruel schedule which makes me study in January!) and it's after Midnight I'll sign off instead BEGGING that you read this and help me find a solution. Am I the only one who thinks this sux?

Give me your thoughts - Do you miss some of the opportunities given to teenagers? Do you want to learn new things? Did you overcome this problem already and if so - how? Please let me know, I'm totally at a loss with this one!

Expectations for your age

2010-01-02T23:24:00.003+11:00

Today I'm suddenly having a crisis. I don't know why. I mean I've just moved, for about the 20th (literally) time in my life, I've spent the last few days packing, and it's the New Year. However once again I find myself with the same questions in my head "Why can't I be 16 again?"

I voiced this to someone who then asked me something I've never considered - Why?

Why? I've never thought about why. A few things popped into my head. I like having people take care of me, I liked knowing what was expected of me and I liked life being simpler. However after half an hour I had another thought. It's not what was expected of me then that I liked it's what expected of me now that I don't like! Ever since I've left school I've felt like a fish out of water. Floundering about. Not sure of the rules, always feeling slow to catch up. But what bugs me most is feeling like I don't know what I should. I feel oftentimes like there is a manual to life someone that no-one told me about. I feel like all of a sudden I'm supposed to be able to know things, do things and handle things I have no knowledge or experience of. Like when my car got dinged several months ago. No one ever told me what to do in that situation. How do I know what you do? Do you call the cops if no one is hurt? Do you get their details? Do you get a tow? Do you give away your licence? Thankfully I had someone with me who knew what to do and the repairman for my car gave me a fantastic little card (which I will hopefully never need!). The card was big enough to fill out everything you need and told you what to do in case of an accident. For the record I think one should be given to every new driver.

This is just one example. What about meeting people and making friends when there is no structured environment? The age old question of getting a date. I know some learn this stuff in high school and most people probably never think about it but I didn't (learn it) and I do (think about it). I watch TV shows where all these teenagers are easily handling everything. Illness, accidents, setbacks...I'm well aware that TV isn't always reality but it still reflects what I see around me.

Personally I don't get it. I don't know how to be an adult. I don't know if I'm supposed to get Cholesterol checks, or how much my stuff is worth. I know nothing about Tax and have no idea if I have a no-claim bonus with my car insurance. I don't know how to tell if my car battery is about to die (which it did and I was ripped off getting it replaced). Does everyone feel as uncertain as me? Or has everyone else just made the same mistakes and moved on? Or does everyone just know somehow?

This is why I wish I was 16. Aside from just being the sort of person who likes to do everything twice, I feel so behind everyone else. It's like everyone I know is going at one speed and I feel like the little sister in movies always tagging behind her older sibling, struggling to keep up.

And what drives me crazy is sometimes, at night or when I'm writing a story on my computer (which I do for fun) or when I watch the 'Where the hell is Matt' video on youtube (see my previous post 26/11/09) I feel like I get it all. Just for a moment I get this strange sense that I understand all the questions I ask. For that moment I (and I know I sound crazy) feel like I can sense my soul or God or something. I love that feeling and to me that would be what I'd want to feel if I were to go to Heaven. I'm not saying I believe in Heaven but it's a good word to use and it's one that most people understand the idea of.

This is why I keep this blog secret. I could never say this stuff if people knew who I was. If I am the only one who feels this and everyone found out I would die of embarrassment but that's my issue for the week. This is why I want to be 16. I want time to catch up to everyone else. To feel for once like I'm not trailing behind or not speaking the same language as those around me. And now that I've made sure I sound like a complete nutjob I'm going to sign off for the evening.

Give me your thoughts - Am I the only one who feels clumsy and floundering? Do you feel like you are expected to know things you couldn't possibly know or things you feel like you should know but don't?

Being who you are

2009-12-05T15:50:00.005+11:00

I'm sorry but my crisis of yesterday is still going on. My mind is going, going, going with thoughts I can barely catch. But the purpose of this blog is to try and catch them so that if you catch your thoughts and they are similar to mine then hopefully you'll leave a comment and we can both take comfort in the fact that we're not alone in that thought.

I wish I could say what I think. I'd tell some people so many things I always want to say but never do. Not even necessarily things I'm annoyed about or mad about but just things I feel would probably help me a lot if I were totally honest, like I can be here. I'd tell my step siblings that I WISHED we could be closer. I have two step sisters and have wanted a larger family my entire life but we're not closer. I want to know what it's like to know that there are people in the world who have your back no matter what. Who care about you and you about them. You call them occasionally just to say hi or leave messages on Facebook (or myspace or wherever) to tell them your news even if it's small. I'd tell my Dad that I don't visit because when we fight I feel like I lose some part of me because it dies. When I was a kid I'd ALWAYS cry when I saw movies with Dad's in them because I missed my Dad so much and wanted him to want to be closer. Part of me thinks he did want that but he's no better than I am about saying things aloud because it's scary.

If I could be honest I'd admit to people that I don't want to have sex because I believe it is a very special thing to give someone such intimate access to yourself. I'm too afraid to as well but I also don't want it to become habit. It's special and I want it to remain that way. I feel more at home when I go to church (which I have been doing because I'm searching for something but I don't know what). I feel less 'freaky' there because the church is against random sex anyway so the pressure to have sex always feels less there. I'm bombarded with things I have no understanding of. For me sex and being drunk are as incomprehensible as aliens or quantum physics is to others. I've never done it and I don't understand it.

I wish I could say things aloud. But I don't because I'm afraid. Afraid people will leave because of it. Afraid they won't like the honest me. Afraid that I really am a freak and no one else thinks the same things ever. I'm tired of being afraid. It's easier usually to pretend like you don't care even if you do. It's easier to get mad at someone first so they don't get mad at you. I don't fall apart in public - ever. Being together and in control at all times always feels like a pre-requisite to get through school and work and Uni. Showing emotion isn't allowed unless it's when you are drunk but because I don't drink I don't have that relief from the pressure so I come home and fall apart in private.

If I could be honest I'd tell potential employers that I have never wanted to work in my entire life. I spend my entire day trying to understand people and don't feel like serving people drinks or selling them products will help me do that. I HATE not knowing something. It scares me to feel left out and as I write this I realise that in a lot of ways this entire world scares me. I'm praying at the moment because of two things. Firstly I really hope no one I know figures out that this is my blog and secondly because I hope someone comments on this. I'd love to know I'm not the only one who is scared. People don't admit to being scared much. Things like extreme sports or being a parent are Ok to admit to being scared and that's about it but what about everything else? What about putting your heart on the line to try and make new friends? What about being scared that you will disappoint or let down the people who have helped you?

I'm going to have a short gripe about TV now so bare with me. TV shows create an illusion that humans are invincible. People rarely show fear in TV shows except over being shot at or something happening to a family member. And then even when they do show that it's usually over within 10 minutes (or a day in TV time). I doubt that's the case. There is a reason why there are dozens of types of anti-depressants and thousands of counselors in the world. People don't just get over things so easily. My favourite shows are the sci-fi shows. They have people dealing with aliens, time-travel, being shot at, death and the end of the world on a daily basis. You don't see them having nightmares or having nervous breakdowns because it's too close to the truth of human behaviour. However I believe it creates an unrealistic illusion that we are unable to live up to. I should also mention that Books are just as bad - doing the exact same thing.

Now that I've had my gripe at TV and Books I'll stop before I really start to ramble. But I'm asking, as always, for people to comment. Anonymous comments are welcome of course and this way we as humans can be a little more open and feel a little less alone in our heads.

Give me your thoughts - Do you feel afraid at things you don't feel anyone else is afraid of? Do you change yourself to please others? Do you wish you could be more honest about how you feel?

Quick Note: Apologies

2009-12-04T23:57:00.002+11:00

Apologies - I just checked the settings for comments and realised it was not allowing anonymous comments. This has now been changed.

I am able to be honest because this is anonymous, I wish for you to be able to do the same thing. Therefore anonymous posting is now an option. Please do leave your comments.

True Friends

2009-12-04T23:41:00.002+11:00

Today I'm having a crisis. I'm not someone who trust people very easily and so therefore I'm not exactly surrounded by a hundred friends and dozens of 'bosom buddies' (someone you can trust with anything). You remember me talking about Gossip Girl in a previous post? The scene where one of the characters has done something and is freaking out about it. Her friends drop everything to help her and when she does tell them they don't judge but support her completely. I'm SO jealous of that scene. I would do anything to have friends like that. People who are so totally there for you that no matter how bad you screw up you know that they will still support you.

I'm very lucky in some ways. I have a very supportive mother and am very thankful for that. That being said that a mother is different. Even one as supportive and understanding as mine cannot be there like a friend can. I crave friends I could trust with my life and to be honest (as is the point of this blogs anonymity) I don't remember the last time I trusted a friend that much.

I censor everything I do. My thoughts, my words, my actions, my habits, my dress. All done to try and become the person I think people want. I like to be seen as organised, punctual, a hard worker, generous etc etc... In reality I'm always late, I hate working, I'm usually flat broke, I'm the messiest person on the planet and I HATE Facebook. I threw that last one in for good measure because seeing as everyone else uses Facebook. I have to - but I hate it.

The reason why I'm having such a freak out is a guy I've known since high school, one I'd have classified as my best friend until about 4 hours ago, decided to bail on my birthday. Not a big deal for some except for 3 points. Firstly they bailed last year too (along with several other people which was plain humiliating!), secondly their reason is shoddy, and thirdly as someone who is not naturally a party/people person parties are a big deal for me. To invite someone is to risk rejection, something I'm not good at. To have my friend abandon me is extremely hurtful and I was not polite in my response.

So now what??? Do I give up? Am I just a person who isn't destined to have friends, just acquaintances? If I'm supposed to risk again then how do I do that? Finally how do I know I can trust someone the way I wish more than anything I could trust them? I don't have the answers but you might. I'd like to at least know I'm not the only one terrified of being alone forever (and I don't mean partner-wise). I'd like to know that others long for special friends just so I know that in this feeling at least I am not alone.

Give me your thoughts - Do you long for 'soul-friends'? Are you afraid of not finding that (or of losing it)?

Life should be fun!

2009-11-26T22:44:00.008+11:00

Today I've come from a class and have been watching the viral youtube clip 'Where the Hell is Matt?'. It's an incredible video which at first glance made me think 'why on earth are we watching this?' because our teacher showed it to us in class. However after about 60 seconds I found I had tears in my eyes. Of course being in class I didn't want to cry but I must confess that when I came home after class today and watched in the privacy of my own home I did cry. Not with laughter, although it is also funny in a way, but because of two things. Firstly I love seeing people, especially lots of people, looking really happy. But mostly because here is a guy who honestly can't dance very well but doesn't care because he's doing something he enjoys and is clearly happy to be in a new place.

Needless to say when I discovered rumors of a hoax I am not ashamed to admit I was crushed. Thankfully it is NOT a hoax but just one example of human spirit. I've now watched it about 6 times just today because it makes me smile. We were asked if the video was creative and my answer is yes. It is (or was at the time) something new and is beautiful in its simplicity. I doubt I could ever create something like that but I like to look at things. I like to see myself as creative and even write stories on my computer late at night. However unlike Matt, who is obviously bolder than me, I have never shown them to anyone.

After being shown this video in my class today we were told to think outside the box. However as soon as the lecture was over it was back to the 'real world' of our test in two weeks. In that, like in most of life, we are not thinking outside the box. We are constantly crushed in to a shape which fits the society in which we live and I wonder if I'm the only one who at times feels suffocated. Imagine...just for a moment...if everyone allowed their creativity, their uniqueness, their spirit to be seen. And as an example I bring to mind another clip I was shown today. The 'piano stairs' is an example of how deep down I believe people want to smile. I believe that underneath the control, the do's and don't's, the rules, the regulations and the expectations of behaviour we are all creative fun-loving people. In my Politics class recently we had to choose if we were a realist, someone who essentially sees the world as it is so often presented - not particularly sharing or giving and that everyone is in it for themselves with their own agenda, or a Liberalist, someone who believes that in the end people are essentially decent. Of course my definitions are not exact but you get the idea. Anyway the point to all this is I am a Liberalist. I believe that when it gets right down to it people are fundamentally caring creatures and thankfully outside of the nightly news I see evidence of this all around me.

My point you ask? Well even though I do believe in basic human goodness I don't believe very many people are happy. And I'm not talking about 'I just bought a new cool phone' happy. I mean 'grinning because you feel like it, totally' happy. So why? Why, if we are essentially unhappy or dissatisfied do we keep doing the same things? If we only feel a buzz for a short time when we buy a new phone but a long buzz when we spend a night with our family or sing something special do we work all day so we can buy the new phone?

Me...I love to sing. I am happiest when I am either writing my stories late at night or singing in the car. I love to sing in the car because no one else is there, I can sing as loud as I like and no one hears me and I've also found it helps me remain more patient in traffic. I always take my iPod with me wherever I go and I don't care who in the next lane sees me singing. It makes me feel good and doesn't hurt anyone. I'd like to see more people do that. I know that unfortunally our society isn't arranged so that we can do whatever we want all the time but I ask if people really need to be working when they would rather be doing something more fulfilling. I realise that we all need to work but how about we work just a little less and spend more time on our fun, our happy time. If we don't enjoy life then what's the point? We're here (I believe) to learn and enjoy. Our learning isn't all book learning and exams and I personally prefer a point to my life that isn't rules and regulations. I'm going to keep singing in the car...what will you do?

To finish off here is the clip I was speaking of although personally I prefer viewing the HD version. Enjoy. :)

Give me your thoughts - What do you do that makes you genuinely happy? Have you done it today?

Why can't people see??

2009-09-28T13:23:00.004+10:00

I must be stupid. I honestly don't understand how people can't see. I'm watching the trailer for Age of Stupid (Age of Stupid Trailer) and I'm sitting there thinking "Why can't other people see it? Why can't people see that we are in a hole and instead of digging ourselves out we're digging in deeper?"

I have this weird thing where I feel like I'm the only one who sees the world clearly. Like everyone else is looking through tinted glasses or they shut their eyes. They don't want to see. I watch Advertisers target babies simply to make a few dollars, I see people still get a plastic bag for one item, I see children who are 12 drinking themselves in to oblivion, I see packets of sweets being sold with each sweet individually wrapped, I see friends buying plastic plates and they aren't even recyclable, I see parents teaching their kids to be honest and truthful and then see big businesses getting away with anything, and worst of all I see world leaders heading for the biggest converence on climate change and they are taking their bucket of sand so they can bury their heads when people try to tell them that carbon trading schemes DO NOT WORK!

Am I seriously the only one who is afraid? I'm afraid that we'll see things too late. That we'll only start being logical when it suits us which will be when we are faced with something we can't ignore. Humans are great at dealing with disasters. Look at the Tsunami and Hurricane Katrina. What we aren't good at is seeing connections. We aren't seeing what will happen. We can only see what has happened.

So now what? I'm at the age where having a family is becoming more prominent in my mind but even if I did have kids what sort of world would I be bringing them in to? Does anyone actually LIKE the world we live in now? Does anyone sit down and watch the news and think "my goodness I Love this world, it's wonderful!"??? No one I talk to does so why do we allow it to continue like this? I found out that there are homeless people in my small hometown. I had no idea of this and was horrified. My home is one of the most caring places around so why do we allow people to become homeless??

I guess I can't rant on forever but I feel frantically worried and confused. I'll stop now and hopefully I'll see something which makes me feel a bit more optimistic.

Give me your thoughts - Do you ever feel like you are the only one who sees?? Do you feel worried about where we are heading?

Conflicted - Which way?

2009-09-27T21:53:00.004+10:00

I am so conflicted right now. As you may or may not know I've been studying with the Catholic church for a while now and have been attending church. I love the community, the faith and most of all I love the music. The basic values, particularly those of Jesus, also seem quite logical and human. (I won't turn this in to a Church obsession but I wanted to explain my interest a little.) Anyway part of my problem has been that despite my like of the Church some of its values have always irritated me. I particularly dislike their discrimination against women and the notion that Eve doomed us all.

To that end I've had another interest for a while now and that is Wicca. A bit about Wicca, before you jump to conclusions, is that it has nothing to do with the devil, killing or black magic. One feature is that it is quite variable (within certain ethical peramaters) and for me Wicca is about getting in touch with the earth. I feel that Wicca is a natural result of my interest in NOT plundering the Earth the way we so often do in modern society.

Anyway now I get to my confliction. Wicca and the Church have always seemed mututally exclusive to me. The Church is very against anything even resembling Wicca because it considers it evil (and I won't go in to the history of that right now but instead recommend 'Book of Shadows' by Phyllis Currot). But if the two cannot co-exist then how can I be a part of both? Wicca doesn't have anything telling me what I can and cannot do in terms of worship because it is respectful of all faiths. However by being interested in Wicca how can I possibly get the full Christian experience?

So what now? Can I be a part of both faiths given that they give me different things? Wicca gives me a connection with the earth I feel I need and Church connects me with people. I don't know what to do and I suppose, given enough time, I'll figure it out but until then I'm still confused.

A completely unrelated note. This morning it snowed. I needed something special after my horror assignment and exhausting final week and when Mum woke me at 6am it had snowed. I LOVE snow! It's always felt magical to me and this morning I feel like it snowed just for me. :)

Give me your thoughts - Do you have a confliction of faith? Have you had the same problem?

Assignment Done and 2 skating movies

2009-09-22T23:14:00.006+10:00

First of all I'm very happy to report that the assignment which has been giving me hell and driving me crazy is finally done and in! Thank Goodness! It took me until 1am last night (or should I say this morning) and then another 3 hours this morning and I can make two guarantees.

First of all I did not leave the assignment till the last minute...I just found it really hard!
I worked hard on it. I couldn't possibly have done any more, even if I'd wanted to.

This was without doubt the most difficult assignment I've ever done! Plus the class was kind of strange. I was exhausted and late and I felt like there was an exclusivity going on. I'm not sure if I imagined it, possibly, but it's something which bugs me and I really don't like it.

Now on to the second part of my day. When I got home I was totally wiped out and I'm not doing any study for 24 hours so I wanted to watch TV. I got on to YouTube to see if a clip from Ice Castles from 1979 was on there, turned out there was the entire movie in 16 parts. I've never seen it so I watched the entire thing, loading one part whilst watching the previous part (a very good method for YouTube).

After I was done I remembered my Mum telling me about a movie she saw 10 minutes of one day over lunch so I did a search and found it was 'Go Figure'. A quick search and I find it in 9 parts and so I watched that as well. Both were great. Although the filming techniques in Ice Castles annoyed me I can see why people like it. Go Figure was a classic Disney movie with one decent song, "I want you" by Hope 7. It had better skating in it and I liked the storyline. All in all I enjoyed my ice skating movie night and maybe tomorrow I'll go skating myself. But for now bed is the idea. My stress headache seems to have gone but I have some serious sleep to catch up on. Night.

Give me your thoughts - Do you ever get that feeling of exclusivity? An exclusivity that excludes you?

Awful Assignment

2009-09-22T00:17:00.019+10:00

Ordinarily I don't blog several times in one day (except when I've done something stupid) however tonight is an exception. It is 12:03am and I am still working on my one assignment. This assignment has been the toughest, most frustrating assignment I've ever had. For the last two nights I've dreamt non-stop, I've thought about it eating, showering, trying to study for my exam this morning and every waking moment for the last 5 days (not to mention the time working on it over the last few weeks).

Why? Because this assignment has been HELL. Ordinarily you try something, you fail, you try again and eventually you get better. Not with this. I have read, written, read something different, tried again, and again and again, spoken to my Mum, who knows a little about the topic, tried again. No matter what happens I cannot understand the topic or how to do the assignment. Yes I have asked the teacher for help and every so often, just for the briefest of moments, I think I understand it. Then something happens and it's gone. For the last few days I've felt like I've been trying to catch a bubble but it keeps breaking.

So why the fuss? Well this subject is my Major. It is what I will be studying for the next three years. So not understanding my first real test of intelligence regarding my Major is SCARY! I feel like I'm drowning when all I've done is dip my toe in and it's making me re-think everything I've chosen to do. However there is one problem and that is I don't want to change my major. I want to understand this. I want to conquer it because I suspect that when I do (which I WILL) I will feel pretty damn good about it.

In the meantime I have to leave the assignment and just do the best I can. I can't do any better because I'm clearly missing something vital and it's due in about 12 hours. So I'm going to sign off instead and get some much needed, and well deserved sleep!

....quick after note. I just noticed how bad the editor is for blogger. As someone who creates websites I am ashamed that it's WYSIWYG editor is so bad. 〈i〉 tags, 〈b〉 tags and a shameful amount of extra stuff which is entirely unneeded. I will edit my posts and fix them up for all the people who read the web with a text reader.

Give me your thoughts - Have you had something you know you should've gotten but couldn't? Did you give up?

New Sign Up to Twitter

2009-09-21T20:01:00.007+10:00

I've caved in and signed up to Twitter. Everyone, including the ABC radio seems to be doing it so now I'm doing it too. I'll attach my twitter to this blog so you can see my updates as they come in and I'll even use my phone occasionally to Tweet on the move.

You can find me at: http://twitter.com/totallyopenbook

Give me your thoughts on twitter - Do you like it? Do you think it's a waste of time?

Exam is Over!

2009-09-21T18:12:00.006+10:00

Well one of my exams is over thank god! Obviously I can't tell you the subject but as you know I've hated this class. Well not exactly hated it, just found it hard. Grrr for discourse! I swear if I read about 'othering' or 'heteronormativity' one more time....

On to my incredibly tough assignment now. My mother has been amazing helping me with this and I feel so STUPID still not understanding it. I hate feeling stupid of course but especially when I feel like I should know it.

A classmate today said they were having a worse week than me. They looked totally overwhelmed and I had NO idea what to tell them. Should I joke and try to cheer them up? Can I ask them about it? Should I hug them or just ignore it? I feel so clumsy when people tell me these things am I the only one? What do you do when someone tells you they have depression? What could I possibly say that hasn't probably been said already?

To make it worse I really like this guy. Even though I have less romance in me than a Rat he is really nice and makes me laugh. I hope I can call him a friend and don't want to see him sad.

Give me your thoughts - Do you ever feel stupid or clumsy around people? Do you ever wonder if you said the right thing or hurt someone's feelings by accident?

Good Sunday - Bad Sunday

2009-09-13T01:07:00.004+10:00

It’s been such a strange week. I had Mass this morning and they had a guest choir in who sang For the Beauty of the Earth and of course I cried because I love that song. It always feels like if there is a God then he is speaking when I hear that song, plus the choir sang it so beautifully! The priest did some kind of special blessing and I got holy water on me and it was the first time that had happened.

Mum helped me with some study and left just after 3pm. I kept studying on and off until about 10 and then stopped.

I took a break in my studying at one point and started to read. I was reading Phyllis Currot and at one point had this strange image. I saw myself standing alone, lost and then after a minute these people on either side of me appeared but I didn’t know which way to turn and I felt really scared and alone.

I feel like that. Wicca is one group of people, the church is the other and I have no friends to help me work out which way to go.

I’ve just eaten ice cream and too much icing sugar so now as well as feeling alone and lost I feel useless and undisciplined as well. Crap I wish I knew how to fix things. Why can’t I just get work, make money, date, eat right, exercise, work out which bloody direction I want to go in spiritually.

Bed. It’s late and if I’m awake much longer I’ll have something else to feel useless about.

Give me your thoughts - Do you ever feel lost? Do you ever feel totally alone?

Friends & Gossip Girl

2009-09-11T00:31:00.003+10:00

I've been thinking a lot today. It's Friday and tomorrow Mum is coming to visit for a night. I've spend the last two days watching Gossip Girl. It's a strange series with characters whom I doubt exist in real life...however having said that I wish more than anything that I had friends with whom I was that close. Right toward the end (and don't worry I won't give away the ending) one of the girls has a secret. A secret she has been carrying for a long time and what made me Jealous was the fact that she could go to her friends, tell them, trust them and know they wouldn't betray her.

I don't have that. I have friends. I even have more friends this year than I did last year however none of them are that close. I used to have two friends whom I trusted however one has moved away and the other now has a partner. I feel abandoned. Not that I begrudge them their happiness but I miss them. I don't trust easily so it's difficult to watch very good friends, like in Gossip Girl, and not be jealous.

I hope/wish/long/pray for some friends whom I can tell anything to. Without siblings, grandparents and close friends it's easy to feel alone and abandoned. I wish I could find one or two people who I connected with. I believe in soul friends. People who you just click with and feel comfortable with. But I over-think and each time I think I may have met one I am disappointed. Then I remember being about 10 or so and my best friend in the whole world telling me very seriously that she didn't want to be friends anymore. I don't think she ever gave me a reason but I was devastated. I still see her occasionally but our connection has gone.

On a lighter note I quite enjoyed Gossip Girl and at some point, perhaps after my exams and assignments are done, I'll start season 2.

Give me your thoughts - Do you long for someone you can trust, that soul friend? Do you find it difficult to trust people?

Crappy Day - Meltdown

2009-09-03T21:13:00.006+10:00

Had a meltdown today. I was supposed to hand in an essay and when I got to class no one was there, only about 5 of 25, so the teacher says 'don't worry, hand it in next week'. I could have killed her! Ok so not literally but I was pretty mad because I'd just about killed myself getting it in on time and I was furious that the students who had been organised and committed enough to get it there on time were just ignored.

So after my class had finally finished I tried to go to my Catholic study group, was late, out of petrol and then went the wrong way. Finally I burst in to tears and wound up sitting in my car for an hour on the phone to my Mum who, thankfully, was home and not doing anything vital. I missed my study group but it was just too much to get there this week, even if I do enjoy it.

Give me your thoughts - Does anyone else have days like that? Just days which don't look awful but feel awful? Do you wind up in tears and on the phone to (hopefully) a sympathetic person?